Thanksgiving: What I’m Thankful I Don’t Have.

So in case you haven’t heard, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. TOMORROW. Yes folks, the time has finally come to swim in the buttery mashed potato waterfalls. To pile one half of your plate solely with rolls, just because you can. To look at the desserts and tell yourself no, and then grab a fork for each hand.

I personally have been dreaming about Thanksgiving dinner since a humid evening this past July and I’ve smelled turkey in exactly 5 places since then. Strange, understandable, yet worrisome, I know.

Throughout the 4 month stretch of award worthy patience, I thought about all that I am thankful for. Family, friends, faith, health, the men that make up the LA Kings hockey team.  And amongst my gratefulness for what I have, I also came across a number of things I’m thankful I don’t have. Both myself in particular and our world as a whole.

1) Transparent tissues. Never, please. The tissue will always be the pool at the bottom of the water slide, catching the riders and their inner tubes, and none of us need to see what color their bathing suits are. Keep doing what you’re doing Kleenex, don’t blow it. (Ha.)

2) The nose of a Proboscis Monkey.

probiscious-monkey.jpg.644x0_q100_crop-smart

3) The last name “Whereameye.”

“Hello my name is Kim I’d like to place an order for delivery.”

“Last name”

“Whereameye”

“I’m sorry?”

“Whereameye”

“I assume you’re at home…”

“I am.”

“Last name”

“Whereameye.”

“Are you okay ma’am?”

“Great thank you, Whereameye”

4) A car that only drives backwards. They’d call me carsick Kim with the crooked neck. Talk about a complex.

5) Hover cars. Sure, the technology would be incredible. But are we really ready for the old “I cut you off because a pigeon was chasing me” excuse?

6) Rain water made of Windex. I’ve washed windows and mirrors for many the holiday occasion, and have shot Windex in my eye roughly 85% of the time. This would be a nightmare. Great for glass houses, though.

7) A burrito phobia. Life would be such a cold, dark, BRC-less place. I can’t even think of such pain.

8) A voice that only sings. No one wants to hear the Broadway version of “I have cramps.”

9) A law that requires everyone to watch ED commercials on loop for 24 hours in order to qualify for the job they want. (Although football fans essentially do this every Sunday.)

10) Hands that are just rocks. Aside from destroying most everything I touch, I wouldn’t really get a lot done, except maybe annihilate “scissor” dealing people in Rock Paper Scissors. It’s too obvious they’d think. She won’t use rock. But I would. Every time. Amateurs.

The important thing however, is to remember what we do have, and that is always more than you think. Like when everyone else is sure you’re out of toothpaste, but you know better. You squeeze and twist and squeeze and twist until finally you get some onto your toothbrush and then you smirk the smirkiest smirk you’ve ever smirked. I get you. So this year, think of all the extra toothpaste you have. (Weirdest advice ever?)

Happy Thanksgiving!

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