If there is one thing I love, it’s being in the loop. I’m all about knowing what’s what and who’s who. But if you’re a Sherlock like me, you are probably guilty of asking some questions over and over, most of which should be put to rest. Here are a few:
1) Did you just call me?
I just googled it. The first developments of caller ID were in 1968, when I was a ripe -22. Judging by the fact that I can now ask a robotic woman inside my phone to call my mother while I’m driving, it’s safe to say technology has come a long way since then. And yet, I still string those 5 words together inquiringly. Did you just call me? CLEARLY, the person in question should say. They know that I know what they know. They called me, my phone was more than a foot away, and I let it go to voicemail rather than getting up. They also know that I waited what seemed like an acceptable amount of time before sending the text that essentially said, “hey my phone says I have a missed call from you, does this mean you called me and I missed it?” Forgoing this question would open up so many more doors. No longer would we have to try and play off the old, “oh, my phone was on silent” or “I just happened to walk downstairs,” because by taking ownership of the missed call and responding to it with a phone call of your own, you can dish out any excuse your mind deems necessary.
“Sorry I missed your call, I was trying to see how long I could balance on my head.”
“Sorry I missed your call, I was wrestling a wild cat in the backyard.”
“Sorry I missed your call, I was too lazy to get up and find my phone and I figured if it was an emergency you’d call again.”
2) Are you choking?
I got this one from my mom, which to her credit, I actually did choke on a hot dog at a bowling alley once. She had just walked out to the parking lot to get something and when she came back I had been heimliched by my aunt and was sobbing. That being said, I understand her (our) need to ask this question, should we hear that cough/gasp/unnamed terrible sound that occasionally occurs when someone is eating. But in all honesty, there is only one answer to this question that you want to hear: “No, (lots of coughing noises) it just went down the wrong pipe.” Any other answer will be a variation of an oxygen deprived “yes” or even worse, a purple faced, desperate nod. So, as a substitute for this question, I propose that we always assume the worst. Yes, this is a terrible strategy for life, but an excellent one for lifesaving. The moment we hear choking, or even something that happens to resemble it slightly, we should be by that person’s side, ready to hug Heimlich that murderous bite the hell out of there. Worst-case scenario, you freak a few strangers out at Wood Ranch. Best-case scenario, you save a life, get a burst of social media fame and a brief stint on the Ellen show.
3) What do you want for dinner?
There are few questions asked that waste more time and cause more arguments than this one, and I will not pretend to be innocent. One night my sister and I threw it back and forth like a game of hot potato, and didn’t answer it until 4 hours later. 4 HOURS. That is just pathetic. My thought is, deep down, we all know what we really want. For my sister, it’s always going to be Mexican food. That being said, this question should be replaced with one much more assertive, such as: “Hey do you want tacos* for dinner? If not, go find something else to eat because that’s what I want so…”
*Spoiler alert: the tacos will always be delicious, so it’s always a safe bet to follow this lead.
4) Does this look okay?
After too many years of asking this question and never being satisfied with the answer, I would like to completely remove it from my vocabulary, and I would recommend you do the same. The better question to ask yourself in this situation is: does it feel okay. If you feel good, if you feel confident in what you’re wearing and how you look, chances are you look great. One of my favorite lyrics on country singer Cam’s new album states, “If your head’s on straight, your hair will be fine.” So stop worrying about bad hair days, because if you’re not a serial killer, you look fine as hell. #AmIRightCam?!
5) Should I bring a jacket?
You know that old saying, “better safe than sorry”? I’d like to officially bring light to its relevance. Will you need a jacket? I’m not sure. Are you that person that will complain for the rest of the night about how cold you are, and deem not bringing a jacket as one of the biggest regrets of your life? If you answered yes, maybe or *shrug* to either of those questions bring a jacket. Both your body and your friends will thank you.
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