Kimberlee K.

Growing up, my parents were never big on celebrating Valentines Day, which, in turn, rubbed off on me. I get the hype however, the grand gestures and big confessions and all that. I understand the courage that comes alongside enormous teddy bears and cheesy balloons. But I also understand my parents’ theory, and I whole-heartedly believe that you should always make an effort to show people that you love them, and it doesn’t have to be on a specific day of the year, in a fancy restaurant, sweating, and wondering how you’re going to afford anything you order.

That being said, if you are someone who loves celebrating Valentines Day, or someone who is in a relationship with someone who loves celebrating Valentines Day, making you a participant by default, here are some gift ideas. The way I see it, every gift can be made better with cheese. Not physical, edible cheese (though I don’t see how that could make any gift worse), more the emotional, “awwwww” type of cheese. The metaphorical mozzarella, if you will. So, I’ve come up with 4 gift ideas full of cheese, in case you’re in an inspirational pinch.

Disclaimer: As stated before, these are cheesy and cliché and more than a little dumb. But, if executed correctly, on a party that loves and cares about you, they should undoubtedly receive an eye roll, an attempted glare, and then a damnit-I-can’t-help-it-I-love-you smile. (The best kind.)

1) The Apple

You know the old phrase, “You are the apple of my eye”? (I told you we were getting cliché.) Well, that’s where we’re going with this one.

What you will need:

• 2 apples*
• 2 bows

Execution: After applying the bows, hold the apples behind your back as you approach your loved one. When they become confused enough to say, “what do you have behind your back?” reveal the apples, place them in front of your eyes and proclaim the cliché in all its glory.

For added effect: Do it on one knee. This will spark an initial, “wtf are you doing right now?!” Making your actual gift a healthy combination of relief and the eye roll + glare + damnit-I-can’t-help-it-I-love-you (DICHILY, pronounced ditch-illy) smile sandwich.

*You have two options when it comes to the apples: real or fake. Real ones will provide each of you with a tasty snack post-gift, and fake ones will instantly be immortalized as cheesy, yet helplessly adored paper weights/relationship trinkets. Your call on that one.

2) The Gesture

What you’ll need:

• A card, preferably homemade
• A good stretch, probably.

Execution: First, you need to make the card, as its contents are crucial. Don’t get too crazy over it being perfect. Just find a nice piece of cardstock and fold it in half. Now, on the front, write, “I’d bend over backwards to make you smile…” and on the inside, write, “Literally.” Now, stretch those legs, and those arms, and that back, breathe in and out a few times, and then deliver the card to your loved one. When they read the front, take another deep breath. Then, as they open it, say a small prayer and all at once Simone Biles yourself into a full on backwards swan dive/possibly injury induced back flop (depending on your flexibility). It’s the effort that counts.

3) The Substitute

Sometimes things get crazy, be it work, school, or any number of other uncontrollable factors, and you are unable to have that special night with your loved one. Fear not, there is a cliché for that.

What you’ll need:

• A cake (store bought or homemade, your choice)
• Readable penmanship (or that which you can purchase)

Execution: Depending on the time you have available to you, either make or buy a cake and have it iced with a very specific message. One that will let the person know they deserve it all: “You can have it & eat it too.”

For added effect: Add some Seuss mozzarella (a rare brand): “You can have it & eat it too, see you soon, I love you.” (Apologies to the lactose intolerant community, even I felt the after effects of that one.)

4) The Big Move

If you happen to be one of those people who are hoping to use this Valentine’s Day to pop the question, this one’s for you.

What you’ll need:

• A sample of turf
• A diamond ring

Execution: When the moment is right, get down on one knee and reach into your pocket, where you’ve stored the turf sample, and present it to your loved one on a flat palm. This will probably confuse them, but don’t fret. Now reach into your other pocket, where you’ve stored the ring, and place it atop the turf sample. This will probably make them go back to their initial plan: crying, though the confusion will still linger in their eyes, which is where the big line comes in: “You are a diamond in the rough,” followed by an array of personal anecdotes that can be concluded with the ultimate question.

For added effect: Ensure your significant other will understand a good golf pun. Or, as an alternative: just watch Aladdin the day before and explain the whole turf thing later.

However, whenever and if-ever you celebrate it, I wish you a Happy Valentines Day. May the DICHILY smiles run strong.