We’re all making New Year’s Resolutions. All of us. So don’t try to deny it.
Everyone does it in their own way, whether it’s a quick set of mental checkpoints, or an extravagant list that’s typed, laminated and framed on the wall. We all take at least a split second to think about the year at hand and what we might like to accomplish.
There are no set guidelines for how to make a resolution. They can be simple or complicated, brief or long winded. Making a New Year’s Resolution is like planning what you’re going to eat on Thanksgiving. There are no limits, except for the size of your stomach. Wait, what?
If you’re having trouble making your resolutions this year, allow me to be of service. Here are 20 resolutions that you should not make for 2015.
1) Become a serial killer. (I mean, who has the time for all that planning?)
2) Become a serial killer’s assistant. (If there’s anything worse than being a serial killer, it’s being a serial killer’s bitch.)
3) Boycott Panera Bread. (I’m pretty sure this is a crime in at least 5 states.)
4) Slap yourself in the face every Tuesday.
5) Take more selfies. (Unless you’re adorable middle aged parents, then please continue.)
6) Decide to stop wearing all colors except orange.
7) Change your middle name to “WiFi-Lovin.”
8) Do the Macarena every morning after your alarm goes off. (Too much of a good thing, you know?)
9) Start wearing red overalls, faking an Italian accent and start “rescuing” peaches from supermarkets.
10) Switch vegetables out of your diet in exchange for deep fried twinkies.
11) Change the horn in your car to say “Gangnam Style” every time you honk and then swerve around people pretending to ride an invisible horse.
12) Start using “your”, “you’re”, “there”, “their”, and “they’re” however you want. (You demented animal.)
13) TYPE ONLY USING CAPS LOCK AND MAKE ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS NERVOUS THAT YOU HAVE ANGER ISSUES.
14) Meet 100 guys named Rick. (That’s really out of your control.)
15) Become a mailman, purposefully mix up everyone’s mail and send humanity into chaos.
16) Superglue a pen to your palm so you’ll always have one handy. (HA.)
17) Steal someone’s phone and change the name of every contact, “Guess Who.” (That’s just mean.)
I say just stick to eating healthy & staying positive. Happy New Year!
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