As some of you may know, one of my goals this year is to watch all of the Star Wars films for the first time.
Yes. The first time.
*pauses for impending judgment*
Recently I finished the original three films (i.e. Episodes 4, 5 & 6) and was pleasantly surprised by how good they were and ultimately shocked that I knew very few spoilers.
I watched the films with some friends who have already seen them, and even though they weren’t quite on my level—a.k.a they weren’t gasping or oohing or aww-ing because they already knew what was coming—they seemed genuinely amused by watching me experience the phenomenon for the first time.
After each film, they looked at me with questioning eyes: Sooooo?? What did you think? And while I always gave the same answer: I’m obsessed, the truth was I had a lot of thoughts. I figured most of them were thoughts everyone had while watching the movies for the first time, but others I expected were unique to me and my incredibly stalled viewing.
You figure I’ve seen mention of Star Wars my entire life, but never got any of the inside jokes. And going into Episode IV: A New Hope—because I’d been told the true way to watch the films is 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, Rogue One—the only thing I knew was that Darth Vader was Luke’s father. Why that was a big deal, I had no idea.
Oh, and the only reason I even knew who Luke and Darth Vader were (besides the constantly circulated memorabilia) was because of the Star Wars gummies my coworker’s 5 year old son, Maddox, used bring as part of his lunch. On days he visited, he would lay them out and name them for me: Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader, C-3P0, Yoda and R2-D2, and I’d nod, ashamed I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. But alas, now I do. And since my mind can get quite chatty, I’m going to split this post into three (and eventually more) parts. First off, Episode IV: A New Hope
- Ah! The music!
- The moving font!
- We’re really doing this!
- Okay, let’s read up on this storyline. Where are we? Who are we rooting for/fighting against?
- Got it. We’re the rebels.
- Ah, Carrie Fisher—I mean Princess Leia—finally I’ve met you. I’m sorry it took me so long.
- Darth Vader!
- Is that James Earl Jones?
- Is he Darth Vader?
- Is he in the suit?
- *asks friends and they shake their heads no*
- Then who’s in the suit? Who’s doing all the physical labor inside that black monstrosity and not getting any credit? Who’s in there?
- *friends stay quiet, insinuating I should just keep watching*
- C-3P0! R2! I know you! I’ve seen your gummies.
- Maddox loves you most, C3-P0, though he calls you, “see-free-pee-ohh.”
- Luke! I just met your dad back there. But I’m not supposed to know that yet. Who’s this other guy you’re with?
- Ben Kenobi? Wait, that sounds familiar…
- Obi-Wan Kenobi! That’s right. I’ve heard of you too. Though I always thought your name was Obi-One. My bad, Kenobi. Can I call you Kenobi? Has anyone ever called you Kenobi Bryant?
- Ahh yes, “The Force.” The infamous “force.” Let’s learn about it and see why everyone always says it’s with me.
- Luke! Kenobs knows your dad! Oh…but wait he’s saying Darth Vader killed your dad. That’s a fib Ken-obgyn. Even I know that.
- Okay, I don’t know if I 100% trust this guy.
- Hmmm. Well played Kenobi Beef. You tell the kid a lie and then you hand him a lightsaber. I’d be tempted to believe you too. But what about those nice people you were with before, Luke?
- Okay, never mind. Those nice people are dead.
- Alright, I guess we’re trusting this guy. Let’s regroup and go find that princess from R2’s hologram video broadcast…thing.
- HEYO. Who knew Harrison Ford was so handsome in the 70s?
- And he owns The Millennium Falcon? Sorry Luke, my eyes be wanderin’.
- Okay, Jabba the Hutt is disgusting.
- Seriously, top 10 grossest dudes I’ve ever seen.
- Woah, okay, back to the Death Star.
- I think I saw a Death Star waffle maker once.
- Don’t tell Darth anything Leia!
- Oh. Okay. Darth means business. He’s all, “help me find who I’m looking for” and Leia’s like, “No,” and he’s like, “but I’ll blow up your planet!” and she’s like, “I’m loyal to the cause but protective of my people so okay, I’ll slip you the info,” and he’s all, “thanks, chickie, but I’m still blowin’ up your planet. Bye.” The dude’s dark.
- Yeah, sorry Luke & the gang, about Princess Leia’s planet…it’s not there anymore.
- And now you’re captured. I really should have warned you sooner. That’s my bad.
- Okay, Obi-Wan’s going in alone. Just stay safe guys.
- Or, you know, go in dressed as Stormtroopers to rescue the Princess.
- Wait, isn’t Luke…like…related to Leia…or something? I feel like I heard that somewhere. I DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD GET TOO INVESTED IN THIS LUKE.
- Okay, we got the princess—who you should probably (almost 100% definitely) not fall for, Luke—and now we’re stuck in an intergalactic garbage can. Just your average day here in space, I guess.
- R2! C-3P0! Deactivate the auto-garbage muncher!
- I realize that since there are two more movies after this one that it’s highly unlikely any of these three die via trashcan, but it’s still very stressful!
- Okay, thank goodness, everyone is safe.
- Back to Obi-Wonton dipped in soy sauce.
- He’s fighting Darth!
- He’s losing to Darth!
- He’s dead!
- Obi-Wan Kenobster is dead!
- Poor Luke. Aside from getting a lightsaber, this has really been a rough couple of days for the guy.
- Oh! We have a chance to fight back!
- Are you sure you’re ready for this Luke?
- Wait, Harrison, you can’t leave. Don’t tell me you just leave after this movie. That can’t be a thing. No, I don’t believe it. You’re totally going to Grinch yourself a heart and join this misfit crew, aren’t you?
- Okay, Luke, I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but all of your friends are dying and the fate of the universe is on your shoulders.
- Obi-Wanna Zig-A-Zig-Ahh is that you? Are you communicating with Luke via The Force? Is that what’s happening? How do I subscribe to that email list? Is there an app for this yet?
- Harrison! I mean Han! I knew you’d come back!
- Go Luke!
- We win!