To Whom it May Concern,

Seeing as we are in a strange time, one that encourages not only kindness and politeness, but undeniable kinship and unity, I have come to the conclusion that we should be friends—from afar obviously, because, well, YOU KNOW.

That being said, I’ve attached my resume for your review. If the contents appear up to par, I’d like us electronically agree, from our own homes, that we are in this thing together, and will at no point physically or emotionally harm one another in order to get the last package of toilet paper or container of oatmeal.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

–

Attachment: KimK_ResumeforFriendship

 

Kimberlee K.

kimberleek.com

Education:

Hiking Trails in Southern California

May 2014 – Present

Various Locations

Major: Keeping a Steady Pace

Minor: Heavy Breathing

.

Facts No One Should Know

August 2006 – Present

News Articles, Assorted Googling, Neighboring Conversations, Etc.

Major: “Did You Know?” anecdotes

.

Limited Slang

One day in Middle school – Present

Peers, Urban Dictionary, “Kids these days”

Major: Stealth Research

____

Work Experience:

Adult

Legally 2008 – Present

Various Locations

Concrete Identity Pending

• Dresses self for a variety of formal and informal occasions.
• Feeds self a variety of meals, both in controlled and uncontrolled portions, in order to sustain life.
• Attempts to take on and maintain responsibilities
• Cries periodically
• Often says, “Thanks, I got it at Target.”

.

DIY

September 1995 – Present

Usually the Floor

Project Creator & Artist (of sorts)

• Formulates a wide variety of projects capable of being made on one’s own
• Fails miserably during the first attempt and throws it on the ground/in trash
• Completes second (or third or fourth) try and shrugs at result, calling it “good enough”
• Learns to love project with whole heart
• Creates new project and starts the cycle over again.

.

Watching Movies

September 1990 – Present

Various Locations

Memorizer of Noteworthy Comedic Quotes

• Watches a variety of movies both in theaters and on VHS/DVD/Blu-ray/Streaming services
• Enjoys nearly all movies thoroughly
• Chooses a number of anecdotes from the films to quote numerous times a day.

____

Other Work Experience:

Instagram Stalking

July 2012-Present

Hidden on the Internet

Creep

• Follows curious thoughts into the depths of social media, often losing one’s mind in the process.
• Becomes extremely knowledgeable in persons and events that bear no relation to me.
• Audibly gasps often.

 .

Introverting

February 2002 – Present

Various Locations, Primarily Home

People Avoider

• Often enters state of desire to be completely and utterly alone
• Cancels all plans and stays indoors, making little contact with the outside world
• Has minor moments of clarity regarding the benefits of creating and maintaining meaningful friendships, then makes a meal, turns off the lights and continues to introvert.

____

Awards/Achievements:

Summited Mt. Whitney

Has not broken a bone

Once made a triple decker bologna sandwich

Has vomited due to motion sickness in various major cities

Once hooked a mudsucker by the tail while fishing in the Owens River

Member of 2016 Winter League Championship bowling team: Beer & Waffles.

Has twice defeated The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Hasn’t died yet*

*Note: void when dead.

____

Strengths:

Sarcasm

Smiling politely

Requesting Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” at weddings

Making excel spreadsheets for every occasion

Committing to puzzles

____

Weaknesses:

Mini golf

Making omelets

Overcommitting to puzzles

Forgetting to bring toothpaste on vacation

Often drops phone for no apparent reason