To Whom it May Concern,
Seeing as we are in a strange time, one that encourages not only kindness and politeness, but undeniable kinship and unity, I have come to the conclusion that we should be friends—from afar obviously, because, well, YOU KNOW.
That being said, I’ve attached my resume for your review. If the contents appear up to par, I’d like us electronically agree, from our own homes, that we are in this thing together, and will at no point physically or emotionally harm one another in order to get the last package of toilet paper or container of oatmeal.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Hiking Trails in Southern California
May 2014 – Present
Major: Keeping a Steady Pace
Minor: Heavy Breathing
Facts No One Should Know
August 2006 – Present
News Articles, Assorted Googling, Neighboring Conversations, Etc.
Major: “Did You Know?” anecdotes
One day in Middle school – Present
Peers, Urban Dictionary, “Kids these days”
Major: Stealth Research
Legally 2008 – Present
Concrete Identity Pending
- Dresses self for a variety of formal and informal occasions.
- Feeds self a variety of meals, both in controlled and uncontrolled portions, in order to sustain life.
- Attempts to take on and maintain responsibilities
- Cries periodically
- Often says, “Thanks, I got it at Target.”
September 1995 – Present
Usually the Floor
Project Creator & Artist (of sorts)
- Formulates a wide variety of projects capable of being made on one’s own
- Fails miserably during the first attempt and throws it on the ground/in trash
- Completes second (or third or fourth) try and shrugs at result, calling it “good enough”
- Learns to love project with whole heart
- Creates new project and starts the cycle over again.
September 1990 – Present
Memorizer of Noteworthy Comedic Quotes
- Watches a variety of movies both in theaters and on VHS/DVD/Blu-ray/Streaming services
- Enjoys nearly all movies thoroughly
- Chooses a number of anecdotes from the films to quote numerous times a day.
Other Work Experience:
Hidden on the Internet
- Follows curious thoughts into the depths of social media, often losing one’s mind in the process.
- Becomes extremely knowledgeable in persons and events that bear no relation to me.
- Audibly gasps often.
February 2002 – Present
Various Locations, Primarily Home
- Often enters state of desire to be completely and utterly alone
- Cancels all plans and stays indoors, making little contact with the outside world
- Has minor moments of clarity regarding the benefits of creating and maintaining meaningful friendships, then makes a meal, turns off the lights and continues to introvert.
Summited Mt. Whitney
Has not broken a bone
Once made a triple decker bologna sandwich
Has vomited due to motion sickness in various major cities
Once hooked a mudsucker by the tail while fishing in the Owens River
Member of 2016 Winter League Championship bowling team: Beer & Waffles.
Has twice defeated The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Hasn’t died yet*
*Note: void when dead.
Requesting Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” at weddings
Making excel spreadsheets for every occasion
Committing to puzzles
Overcommitting to puzzles
Forgetting to bring toothpaste on vacation
Often drops phone for no apparent reason