humor

How to Pack for a Weekend Getaway

Since the holidays are coming up, there’s a good chance you might (hopefully) get to plan a weekend getaway. Are you wondering what you should pack for said weekend getaway? Well, you came to the right place.

As a well-experienced packer, I have made an easy to follow guide for how to achieve packing success. Just set those worries aside, take a few notes, and soon you will be on your way!

Note: these guidelines do not apply to outdoor camping, as outdoor camping should probably require you packing your entire home because you are in the wilderness and there is danger and animals and rain and also that overall damp feeling that you never get rid of, so really just pack everything or don’t camp, preferably the latter because who doesn’t love a roof?

Step 1: Bring up your need to pack for your vacation approximately six times in the week leading up to your departure, but don’t actually start packing until the night before you leave.

Step 2: Envision yourself walking in slow motion, in perfectly put together outfits, for the entirety of the vacation.

Step 3: Forget everything you envisioned and stare teary eyed at your closet, criticizing yourself for ever buying a single thing you see before you.

Step 4: Pack your favorite shirt, the one you bring on every vacation, first, then tell yourself you should branch out and take the shirt out of your suitcase.

Step 5: Repeat step 4 up to seven times.

Step 6: Remind yourself that you’re only going to be gone for two days, then pack nine shirts, three pairs of pants, those shorts you’ve never liked but always thought you should try, 17 pairs of underwear, 7 pairs of socks, 1 pair of thick socks in case a blizzard rolls in, those shoes you’ve been meaning to replace, two bathing suits, pajamas, and a raincoat—regardless of the weather forecast.

Step 8: Imagine yourself having the desire to workout and pack workout clothes.

Step 9: Laugh, knowing there’s no way in hell you’re going to workout.

Step 10: Pack another workout shirt.

Step 11: Invent at least 5 different turns the weekend could take that might provoke the need to bring shoe options, and then pack accordingly.

Step 12: Look up the weather forecast for where you’re going and regret everything you packed.

Step 13: Step away from your closet and move into the bathroom to gather your toiletries.

Step 14: Pack your toothbrush, toothpaste, face wash and makeup—even though you know you’re going to need most of it tomorrow morning before you leave.

Step 15: Pack a book, then picture yourself reading the entire book in one day and decide to pack three more.

Step 16: Pack your phone charger, then unpack it before bed to charge your phone, and then forget it all together.

Step 17: Zip up your suitcase and decide you are finished so you can go to bed because it’s almost definitely 1:00 a.m. at this point.

Step 18: Lie awake for about an hour wondering if you should pack more socks or if maybe you should bring a flashlight or goggles or an earthquake kit.

Step 19: Wake up to brush your teeth and realize you’ve already packed your toothbrush.

Step 20: Become frustrated while picking an outfit to wear because you packed everything you like, regret everything for a solid half hour, and then throw your hands in the air, zip up your suitcase and roll it out the door.

I Can’t Pee in the Ocean

You’ve read the title. You know what we’re here to talk about.

It’s an overshare, but we’re moving on.

I, Kim, cannot pee in the ocean. This is a fact of not only my adult life, but my life for as long as I can remember. Or at least since the day I figured out that the ocean is kind of scary and may or may not swallow you up if you aren’t careful.

The ocean just gives me a lot of anxiety.

The beach? Love it.

What’s not to love about a place where it’s not only encouraged to lie around without pants on, but to do so with snacks and a drink close by, AND to nap at least once while you’re there?

If you give me a book, some pretzels and a hoodie, you can do whatever you want in the ocean and I’ll be right there waiting for you hours later—most likely sunburned in a place I could have swore I put sunscreen on, and wondering if there’s a popup ice cream shop somewhere. All of this comes crashing down however, when there are no bathrooms.

Which was the case this past weekend.

It was a lovely Saturday afternoon. My sister and I had made the (only slightly) trafficky drive to the beach and were set to spend our afternoon there. Since it was later in the day, we hadn’t brought any snacks because we didn’t want anything to take away from the tacos we were planning on devouring that evening.

We were at what you might call a secret spot so there were no bathrooms in sight, which wouldn’t have been a problem if I didn’t realize I had to pee the moment we stepped onto the sand.

“It’s fine,” I said, “I’m fine.”

She was not fine, said the narrator.

For the next half hour or so, we lay in the sand, my sister studying for an upcoming test and me reading a chapter of a book I will definitely have to reread.

“Do you want to walk down to the water?” my sister said, faux casually.

I thought about saying, “yeah, sure, I just love the water,” but we both would have known I was full of garbage and we also both knew that my only thought for every single one of the last 30 minutes was: I have to pee I have to pee I have to pee I have to pee I have to pee.

Needless to say, we walked down to the water.

I was feeling roughly 0% confident, seeing as my record of peeing in the ocean in the last, say, 10 years of my life was 0. But I had to go, you know? And so I trailed behind her, wondering how many of our fellow beach patrons were pointing and saying, “she’s definitely going to pee in the ocean, let’s watch.”

If they were watching—which, gross­—they would have seen little more than me hopping around, quietly shrieking and gasping and unnecessarily cursing. At one point a wave came in higher than I thought and water splashed up into my eye. Another time I thought I might maybe kind of a little bit go pee, but then I saw a flock of birds and got distracted and so it went away.

Eventually, after thirty minutes of not being able to pee in ocean, I trudged up the beach, lay back down on my towel and re-opened my book.

The good news was that the exorbitant amount of anxiety the water had given me had essentially scared the pee into some back corner of my body. So for the next hour I was able to lie there and read without wondering if my bladder was going to explode, causing Shonda Rhymes to use my story on an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. The bad news was the breeze picked up and my pantsless, unable-to-retain-body-heat existence started to shiver the pee out of hibernation. Thus, around 6:00 p.m. we packed up our bags, made the walk back to our car and drove totally over the speed limit to the taco joint. #criminal #gottafleetofreethepee

In conclusion, I peed.

It wasn’t in the ocean and it probably won’t ever be, but I peed.

To everyone out there whose bladder has got no motion in the ocean, you’re not alone. And to everyone who can’t relate to this story in any way,  you know a lot about my bladder now and I apologize.

Learning Internet Slang (Part 3)

One of my favorite series that I do on my blog, and probably one of the most requested is when I teach my family (and myself, honestly) current slang terms that are circulating the internet. It’s always both fun to see what they come up with, and educational in that we often start using the words in the context we create because it’s way more fun than the actual definition.

This time around we also had our friend Cody in town, and it proved that for these posts, the more the merrier.

Here’s how they did:

1) Has Left the Chat

Urban Dictionary Definition: when someone has left some kind of impact, typically bad, that forces a person or group of people to check out or leave out of embarrassment or disinterest.

Natalee’s Guess: When you’re in a group chat and somebody gets roasted and then they say,  “woah,” and they leave the chat because it’s been too much.

Dad’s Guess: When you leave a conversation but you don’t think that anybody else knows you left.

Mom’s Guess: When you’re really done with a conversation and so you leave.

Cody’s Guess: When people are gaming and someone stops responding and so everyone goes, “Hey, where’s mike?” He left the chat.

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2) Skrrt

Urban Dictionary Definition: to move away, get away from somebody

Natalee’s Guess: Well it’s in an Ariana grande lyric from her song “Imagine.” “Step up to the two of us, nobody knows us, get in the car like skrrt. So going off of that I think it means we gotta go, we wanna get home and you know.

Dad’s Guess: When there’s a good looking girl around and so you say, “Bro, skrrt!

Mom’s Guess: When you see somebody and they’re eyeing you but you’re not interested so you say,  “No thank you, skrrt!”

Cody’s Guess: Making a move to the side.

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3) Mood

Urban Dictionary Definition: used to express something relatable, or to sum up your life

Natalee’s Guess: When you’re describing something that is extra. Like if someone said they are eating a bunch of McDonalds after work, that’s a whole mood. 

Dad’s Guess: I think it’s the combination of “dude” and “mood” to describe when two dudes are having a moment of friendship, a mood.

Mom’s Guess: When you’re trying it get in to a club and you say,  “Mood dude, let me in.”

Cody’s Guess: When a good song comes on, that’s a big mood.

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4) Thicc

Urban Dictionary Definition: when a person has fat in all the right places, creating sexy curves

Natalee’s Guess: Do you remember that movie Summer Catch? There was a guy in that movie, Marcus, and he loved thicc women.

Dad’s Guess: It’s a polite way of saying that you are not into someone, you say, “they are tough, they are thicc.”

Mom’s Guess: A lot of woman.

Cody’s Guess: Girls with big butts.

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5) Glow Up

Urban Dictionary Definition: an incredible transformation.

Natalee’s Guess: All I can think of are those Instagram posts that got popular a couple months back where everyone was saying “then vs. now”.

Dad’s Guess: When you want to go out but you don’t want to get recognized so you put on a disguise, you glow up.

Mom’s Guess: When you’re going out on the town to party, you’re going out to get glowed up.

Cody’s Guess: Getting all prettied up to go out.

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6) Let’s Get This Bread

Urban Dictionary Definition: a phrase originally used to mean “let’s get money”.  Nowadays, the term”let’s get this bread” is more loosely defined as a sort of battlecry in a sense, calling upon the will of the person(s) to succeed, not necessarily in just gaining monetary fund.

Natalee’s Guess: The night is young, let’s get this bread, we have so much to accomplish.

Dad’s Guess: When you’re trying to help your friend get a girl you would say, “hey man, you’re butter, go get that bread.”

Mom’s Guess: When you’re wanting to, you know, get some, you want to get some bread. 

Cody’s Guess: It means to get money, to go out and have a good day.

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7) Smol Bean

Urban Dictionary Definition: someone who is innocent and/or adorable

Natalee’s Guess: It ain’t no big deal, it ain’t nothin’ but a smol bean.

Dad’s Guess: Maybe the opposite of thicc? Like a super skinny girl.

Mom’s Guess: She’s too young for you, she’s just a smol bean.

Cody’s Guess: You’d say it to someone to put them down, like, “you’re nothing, you’re just a smol bean!”

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8) Phubbing

Urban Dictionary Definition: snubbing someone in favor of your phone. 

Natalee’s Guess: Fibbing is kind of like lying, and fat with ph means something is cool, so maybe “phubbing” is lying to go somewhere cool.

Dad’s Guess: Being someone’s substitute spouse for the night, like you’re subbing for the real one.

Mom’s Guess: When you go on a binge, like, “woah, that was way too many Oreos. I’ve been phubbing all night.”

Cody’s Guess: I think it’s a replacement for “fucking” like, you’ve gotta be phubbing kidding me.

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9) Bruh

Urban Dictionary Definition: word you say when someone says something stupid.

Natalee’s Guess: A term of endearment. “That guy over there, he’s my bruh.”

Dad’s Guess: It’s just like, “what up, bruh?”

Mom’s Guess: I was also thinking it was a term of endearment for your friend.

Cody’s Guess: It’s like, “Come on, bruh, what are you doing?”

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10) Ratchet

Urban Dictionary Definition: of poor quality; very bad

Natalee’s Guess: This is an adjective and it is used to describe someone who is doing the most in the trashiest of ways.

Dad’s Guess: When you wanna kick things up a notch. “Hey guys, let’s get some Jameson and ratchet.”

Mom’s Guess: When somebody looks like a mess.

Cody’s Guess: Someone who is gross. “Bruh, she’s ratchet.”

 


 

See the previous edition of this post here.

5 More Things I Do Incorrectly

Coming up on a year ago now I posted this blog, listing 10 things that I do (at least seemingly) incorrectly. Since then, I have (not surprisingly) discovered a few more things that I do, if we want to put it nicer this time, differently.

Anyone with me out there?

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1) Chewing Gum

One of the best features a stick of gum can have is long lasting flavor, right? Isn’t that what we all want? Isn’t that why there are undoubtedly people who are working as gum scientists, trying to make the dream of the everlasting gobstopper come true? Well if it is and if there are, it’s a wasted effort on me. I’d say on average, the max time I chew gum is about 10 minutes. If I chew it longer, it’s either because I’m on a plane and I’m trying to make my ears pop, or I’m falling asleep at my desk or in the waiting room at the DMV and I’m desperately trying to keep myself awake by chewing—which only works moderately well, by the way. For the most part, I really don’t like gum. It’s weird and I hate the sound it makes when you chew it and after I’ve used it to freshen my breath, I’m done with it and want to spit it out as fast as possible.

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2) Make Pancakes

I’m sorry but I simply don’t have the patience for flipping. The mixing and the whisking and the ladling onto the griddle? Great. But the waiting for the top to bubble or the edges to brown or the pancake gods to send a sign, only to flip the pancake over and have it either still completely raw or burned to a crisp? THE WORST.

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3) Posing for Pictures

What do I do with my arms? Or my legs for the matter? Why does my face keep doing that? And why does one of my eyebrows jump higher than the other one when I smile too big? Wait, why are we taking more than one photo? I only had the one pose in mind and it was mediocre at best. How does everyone else have backup poses?! Annnnd great, I look like a moron.

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4) Hitting Snooze

This one is phrased wrong in that I’m actually superb at hitting snooze. I could have a graduate degree in snoozing. It’s not hitting snooze that I’m bad at. And even though I’d like to get up on time and not have to run around my house like a crazy person for once, and even though I’ve read all the articles on how bad pressing snooze it for you, I CAN’T STOP. This past week I’ve made an effort to only press snooze twice (per day) and I’ve considered that a success.

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5) Taking Pills

I really truly thought at some point I would graduate into a full blown adult that could swallow pills without any issue, but no. I still to this day have to cut pills in half and take them with Gatorade or juice or pudding and I still sometimes have to throw them away and start over. Thank heaven for gummy vitamins.

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So there they are, red strikes on my life report card. I’d like to think that admitting them gives me a green check in the bigger picture, but I’m not sure if life runs on the same grading scale as a kindergarten class.

Just please, give me a gold star and let me be on my way.

My Google Search History (Part 4)

So you know how I have that tendency to keep Internet windows open? Well I have officially reached a new level of insane. When I scrolled through and looked this past week, I had over 80 windows open. EIGHTY.

I must be stopped.

OR

I must continue. Because continuing means more of these posts, which, while giving you mild concern for my attachment to internet windows, also provide you with at least mildly interesting facts you might not have otherwise learned, right?

Maybe?

I don’t know.

All I know is that I’m probably going to keep doing it, and I hope you’ll mildly benefit in the process. So, diving right in, over the past few months, my Google search history can be broken down into four main categories:

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1) Recipes

Because I’m always propping my phone at perilous angles while I cook.

Here are some of the recipes I’ve recently Googled:

  1. Italian Spaghetti Squash
  2. Persimmon Pudding Cake
  3. Jalapeno-Goat Cheese Grilled Stuffed Mini Peppers
  4. Penne with Butternut Squash and Goat Cheese
  5. Quinoa Enchilada Stuffed Delicata Squash
  6. Roasted Sweet Potatoes and Red Onions with Feta

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2) Questions About Food

Because while food is delicious, it’s also…kind of mysterious?

Here are some of the questions I’ve Googled, the answers (if you’re wondering) are in italics.

  • How long are chips good after their expiration date?
    • 2-3 months.
  • Is there gluten in tortilla chips?
    • If they are made from corn tortillas, no. 
  • Iron rich foods to add to your diet?
  • Do you refrigerate brussel sprouts?
    • Yes, in the vegetable drawer. 
  • How long are chopped onions good in the refrigerator?
    • 7 to 10 days.
  • When are peaches in season?
    • May – late September.
  • What is a good snack to have before bed?
    • According to this article, some good options are a cup of almond milk, seasonal fresh fruit, dark chocolate covered popcorn, whole wheat bread with peanut butter, greek yogurt or cottage cheese. 
  • What foods trigger breakouts?
  • How can you tell if your eggs are bad?
    • This article gives this suggestion for a Fresh Egg Water Test: “Fill a bowl with water, and carefully place an egg on top. If the egg sinks like a stone, laying down on its side — it’s still very fresh! If it sinks but doesn’t lay flat — and instead it kind of stands up, wobbling — your egg is OK and probably just right for hard-boiling. If the egg floats on the top, that’s an indication that your egg is possibly past its prime.” 

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3) General Questions

I feel like these need at least a little explanation.

  • How often should you water a succulent?
    • Why I Googled this: I was gifted a succulent and I was afraid I was going to kill it. (Which I eventually did.)
    • The answer: At least once a week.
  • Can pets get altitude sickness?
    • Why I Googled this: We took our dogs to the mountains and our huskie did not fare well, especially for the first few days. Poor baby.
    • The answer: Yes, here are the symptoms and what to do. 
  • How long can you use toothpaste after the expiration date?
    • Why I Googled this: I found a little tube of travel toothpaste under my sink and I was wondering if it was safe to pack or if I’d start my vacation by rotting my teeth.
    • The answer: 12 to 18 months.
  • Can you dye your hair with easter egg dye?
    • Why I Googled this: I mean, it was Easter, we were dying eggs, our creative juices were flowing and we were wondering if we’d discovered a life hack.
    • The short answer: No.
  • How do you take care of a Tamagotchi?
    • Why I Googled this: One night my roommate came home with a shopping bag and asked us to close our eyes and hold out our hands. She then placed a Tamagotchi in my “adult” hands and I squealed in excitement.
    • The answer: This is the article I read, also I just heard there is now a Tamagotchi app—if you’re looking to adopt a virtual child.
  • What does Gayla Peevey look like?
    • Why I Googled this: It was Christmas time and “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” came on the radio and, you know, I was just curious what the singer looked like. She looks like this:

download

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4) Rihanna

Someone on Twitter recommended typing “Rihanna” + your birthday into Google images to see what outfit she has worn in the past on that particular day and it did not disappoint. Here is the top result for my birthday (September 5th):

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And so concludes another deep dive into my search history. I’ve once again closed all of my windows, giving my phone some room to breathe…for a little while at least.


 

You can read the part 3 of this series here. 

Learning Internet Slang (Part 2)

Back in June, I posted this blog where I had my sister, Natalee, and my parents guess the definitions of some popular slang words. It was an educational experience for all. So much so that I thought we should do it again.

Gotta keep up with the times, you know?

Here’s how they did:

1) Sus

Urban Dictionary Definition: short for suspect; suspicious

Natalee’s Guess: I think it means, that’s what’s up. Like, you wanna tell me I have tacos tonight? Sus.

Dad’s Guess: Short for suspect, like when a kid is talking in code and says, “I think my parents sus me.”

Mom’s Guess: I went for: “seems you suck.” S.U.S.

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2) Shoot your shot

Urban Dictionary Definition: to take a chance no matter if your fail or not, especially regarding someone you’re interested in.

Natalee’s Guess: Go for it, bro. Shoot your shot. Live your life. Get your dreams.

Dad’s Guess: Hit me with your best shot. Whatever you throw at me, I can take it.

Mom’s Guess: Tell me your opinion, let me know what you think.

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3) Tea

Urban Dictionary Definition: gossip or personal information; the scoop; news.

Natalee’s Guess: gossip. Like, that’s the tea. That’s the word on the street.

Dad’s Guess: Awake.  Like I’m still on the tea. Or if you were drunk you’d say,  “I can’t drive, I’m still on the tea.”

Mom’s Guess: I think it’s like saying, “got it.” We’re gonna go down to the shore and fish? TEA.

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4) Receipts

Urban Dictionary Definition: evidence or proof, often in the form of screenshots.

Natalee’s Guess: I’ve heard this and I know Taylor Swift talked about this but I don’t actually know what it means. In the song she sings they got their receipts and reasons” so I’m going to say facts, but not actual facts. Evidence.

Dad’s Guess: I think it means I understand. If someone told you they weren’t interested, you would say I totally understand, receipts.

Mom’s Guess: Taking it all in. Receipts. Got it.

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5) Bae

Urban Dictionary Definition: abbreviation for “before anyone else”; baby; sweetie.

Natalee’s Guess: I know what this one stands for but I said before anything else, because I like to associate it with more than humans. For example, Laycee (our family dog) is my bae.

Dad’s Guess: Boyfriend or husband. I would be mom’s bae.

Mom’s Guess: It means before all others, right? Bae? Wait. No. Before…all…wait I have to know it now. Before anyone else! That’s it!

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6) Thirst Trap

Urban Dictionary Definition: a sexy photograph or flirty message posted on social media with the intent of causing others to publicly profess their attention.

Natalee’s Guess: When you’re trying to get at someone. Like posting a dirty picture to get someone to pay attention to you. 

Dad’s Guess: A bar. Like if you were driving around you might say I’m going to stop at the first thirst trap I see.

Mom’s Guess: I said the same thing: a bar!

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7) Throwing shade

Urban Dictionary Definition: to diss someone without actually saying their name but making it obvious who you are talking about.

Natalee’s Guess: Insulting someone. I’m coming for you because I don’t like you. You have a dumb face. OOH, shade was thrown.

Dad’s Guess: Talking shit behind someone’s back. As in, why is Natalee throwing so much shade at me?

Mom’s Guess: Talking crap.

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8) Yeet

Urban Dictionary Definition: an exclamation used to express excitement; a word one may scream while propelling an object through the air at alarming speeds and heights.

Natalee’s Guess: I’m sorry, what? I have no idea. Maybe drugs? Like, “hey you got any yeet on ya? Can I score some yeet?”

Dad’s Guess: Yeah, I’m stumped on this one. Is it when you eat when you’re not hungry? I’ve been yeeting all day for no reason.

Mom’s Guess: A teenager that’s trouble. That one’s a yeet.

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9) Gucci

Urban Dictionary Definition: a versatile slang term based on the luxury fashion brand meaning okay/good/great/awesome/fresh/etc.

Natalee’s Guess: It’s all good. What’s Gucci? What’s good? What’s cracking?

Dad’s Guess: If you’re wearing it and it’s Gucci, it’s expensive. This belt is totally Gucci.

Mom’s Guess: I thought similar to dad. If you’re talking about somebody and say “oh, she’s Gucci,” it means she’s rich.

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10) Finna

Urban Dictionary Definition: abbreviation for “fixing to”. Normally means “going to”.

Natalee’s Guess: Trying to. Like I’m finna get full on tacos tonight.

Dad’s Guess: You completed your task, whatever it might have been. If you wanted to get drunk and you did, you’d say, I’m finna drunk. 

Mom’s Guess: She’s finna. As in, she’s fake, she’s plastic, she’s not real.  

TBTS (Throwback Thursday Stories): That Time I Almost Died after Watching The Bachelorette

I know a lot of stories start with the old, “it was just your average day,” but believe me when I say this really was just an average day. I did exactly what I would do every other weekday: got up, went to work, counted the minutes until lunch, planned all the productive things I would do once I got home, and then got home and sat on the couch.

For dinner, I decided to try a recipe for Fettuccine Alfredo I found online and while I ate I sat at the table exchanging stories with my sister about our respective Tuesdays. She told me about an upcoming exam, I told her about a customer at work, and we made predictions about that night’s upcoming episode of Jojo Fletcher’s season of The Bachelorette.

At one point in the conversation, she paused.

“Mom says we need to throw out our flour,” she said, looking at her phone.

“Why?”

“I guess some people are having issues with E-coli.”

“Yikes.”

I walked into the kitchen and snatched the half empty bag of flour from the top shelf of the pantry and dropped it into the trash. Better safe than sorry.

Now, if you’ve ever watched an episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, you’ll know that alcohol is almost necessary to make it through the two-hour broadcast. So when my sister stood up a few minutes after we started and said, “I need some whiskey,” I wasn’t surprised. Though when she said, “do you want some?” and I said, “Yes!” I think we both should have sensed* that it was the beginning of the end.

*Let it be noted that my sister is an avid whiskey drinker. The kind that really appreciates the spirit for all it’s worth…and doesn’t chug it down the way I do with a glass of wine while watching this ridiculous television show.

So there we were, an hour into the episode, shoulder deep in awkward silences and painfully stilted small talk. I was on my second (or third?) glass of whiskey, cringing my skin off and talking a little louder than usual, when all of a sudden a sip hit my stomach and the warning sirens went off.

YOU DONE DID IT NOW, GIRL.

“I need to pee,” I said, panicked.

I got up, my body feeling like it was 4000 pounds, the bathroom feeling like it was four miles away, and the ground feeling as stable as a tightrope during an earthquake. When I finally sat down on the toilet, I wondered if I’d ever get back up, which made me emotional and I cried a little. Then I remembered I had to pee, which reminded me I’d have to get up afterward and the cycle went on and on. All in all, I thought I was in there for about 45 minutes, but when I got back to the living room I realized it had been only been around four.

I waddled into the kitchen and grabbed my water bottle, praying I could chug my way to safety, then waddled back to my seat in the living room.

“Ready?” my sister asked.

“Yup.”

After that, I can remember very little of what happened during the episode and even less of what my sister and I may have talked about. In somewhat miraculous fashion however, I was able to maintain a sober-enough composure to not only convince my sister I was fine before she went to bed, but also make it up 10 stairs to my bedroom. Unfortunately, this would be my last accomplishment worth celebrating for the night.

Upon arriving to my bed, I knew something was wrong. While it was a hot summer night, I felt like I was sweating far more than usual. I cranked the fan up to high and stripped down to my underwear, then turned off the light in the hopes that I could crash fast and sleep it off.

No such luck.

The moment I closed my eyes, I felt like the room was spinning one way and I was spinning the other. I opened my eyes, wondering if I was on the ceiling or the floor, then turned the light on to see if focusing on something would help. When this didn’t work, I tried taking deep breaths and when this didn’t work, I slumped into the bathroom, accepting my doom.

Over the next two hours, I threw up 11 times.

ELEVEN.

Around the fifth time, as I lay my face against the toilet seat, working my way through every prayer and promise I could think of to try and make it all stop, I thought of the text my mom sent earlier…and then of the flour I’d added to the blender to make my Alfredo sauce.

I closed my eyes and spun and then I opened them and the drunk tears came pouring out.

“I’m dying,” I said out loud to myself, “I have E-coli and I’m dying.”

I thought about calling for my sister and telling her to call 911—and to start taking down the notes for my last will and testament—but I couldn’t move. When I tried to, I threw up.

To make matters worse, the next time I opened my eyes and looked down in the toilet, everything was bright red.

Is—is that…blood?

It wasn’t blood.

It was Fruit Punch Crystal Light, which I’d mixed in with my water that afternoon—the same water I started chugging after my (first) emotional trip to the bathroom when I realized I’d passed the point of no return. I would figure this out around the tenth time I threw up but until then I would give an Academy Award worthy performance of pathetic.

I collapsed, face first, onto the toilet seat and I cried. I thought of my family and how I’d let them down by not keeping myself up to date with current food safety alerts. I thought of Gold Medal Flour and how my parents would surely Erin Brockovich their way to a settlement for my untimely demise. I thought of the future children I’d never have and of all the mourning faces present at my funeral. I hoped they served cake at the reception, and then I threw up thinking about it.

Eventually I fell asleep. And with my knees on the tile, my head on the toilet seat, and the bowl full of whiskey and Crystal light, I definitely must have looked dead. And sad. And PSA worthy.

Yes, that Tuesday night I was the don’t end up like this girl, girl.

The next morning, when my work alarm went off at 6:30 a.m., I opened my eyes to the memories of what had occurred merely hours previous. I had a lot of thoughts rushing around, most of which were curse words, and I wobbled back into the bathroom to brush my teeth, wash my face and kick off another “average” day.

When I got to work, I googled the E. Coli outbreak and discovered that it didn’t apply to our flour, so I lay my head on my desk, hungover and ashamed.

I hadn’t eaten contaminated flour.

I hadn’t thrown up blood.

I’d just gotten drunk on whiskey and secondhand cringe and I’d paid the price.

Eleven times.

Needless to say, I now drink wine when I watch The Bachelorette—or, currently, The Bachelor—and during those particularly hard episodes, I color.

We live and we learn.

2018 Ornament Superlatives (List-cember #3)

One of my favorite List-cember traditions is going through the ornaments on my family’s Christmas tree and giving them superlatives. This year we were on top of our decorating game and had our tree up two days after Thanksgiving, giving us ample time to appreciate our extensive collection of ornaments, and giving me ample time to reward them just for being them.

Thus, here is the third installment of Ornament Superlatives, enjoy!

(Also, in case you missed it, you can check out the first installment here and the second installment here.)

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Most Likely to Give You PETDMD (Post Emotionally Traumatic Disney Movie Disorder)

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Most Likely to Have Seen Better Days (And Make You Wonder if Whoever was Given the Skinny Stocking Felt a Little Unloved)

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Most Likely to Make You Start (Punny) Caroling 

(And Grab a Seasonal Drink from the Fridge)

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Most Likely to Make Dodger Fans Relive Their World Series Sadness

(for the second year in a row)

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Most Likely to Inspire Your Crafting Spirit…and then Awaken Your Perfectionist Mindset…and then Make You Lay in a Pile of Your Own Untalented Despair

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Most Accurate Representation of a Third Child’s First Christmas

Note: please refer to the ornament celebrating my first Christmas in the 2016 Ornament Superlatives

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Most Likely to Have Been Upcycled into an Ornament Just Because it’s Pretty

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Most Likely to Ignite the Argument: Ginger Angel Sitting in Front of a Fireplace OR French Fairy Hovering in Front of a Fireplace?

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Most Likely to Make You Want to Buy A Roll of Sugar Cookie Dough

(or Most Likely to Convince Overly Egg-Nogged Family Members it is a sugar cookie)

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Most Likely to Have Written an Article for Cosmopolitan on How to Improve Your #LashGame

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Most Likely to Start a Light-Hearted but Extremely Passive Aggressive Argument between College Football Fans

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Some Suggestions for Netflix

You know that weird thing we all do? The thing where we sit down to watch a movie on Netflix and then spend 45 minutes scrolling and sighing and shaking our heads.

“No.”

“I’m not in the mood.”

“Maybe next time.” 

Then we look through the list of movies we’ve previously saved with the intention of making this scrolling process easier, only to hate every suggestion from our past selves, which in turn leads us to turn on a movie we’ve already seen far too many times.

Then, we wake up the next day wondering why we’re not more cultured and can’t keep up with conversations about all the great movies Netflix has to offer.

I have lived this life for a long time. It’s the reason why I have to set goals that require me to broaden my horizons. Otherwise I’d just watch The Fundamentals of Caring over and over and over again, all the while making the excuse that I would watch something else, even something I’ve seen before, if only Netflix added ______ to their catalog.

All that being said, I recently found out that you can submit suggestions to Netflix for what movies and TV shows they should add to their catalog.

Can you imagine?! Such power! At our fingertips!

You better believe I took advantage of it. Here were some of my suggestions:

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1) The Mary Kate & Ashley Movies

I see you, Netflix. Double, Double, Toil and Trouble. New York Minute. You’re not completely depriving me of Olsen twin goodness. But can we get some Billboard Dad up in here? Switching Goals, maybe? Or how about a few (or all, let’s be real) of the You’re Invited episodes? I haven’t been invited anywhere by the Olsen twins since VHS’s were in fashion and it’s depressing.

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2) Spice World

I’ve actually never seen Spice World, which I realize is a crime of sorts. And with the girls going back on tour next year, this movie could very well become a common topic of conversation again, and I’ll just be standing there, shrugging, with no idea how to contribute. Save me from the shrugging, Netflix! I want to fit in!

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3) Legends of the Hidden Temple

There has never been a game show that has infuriated me more than Legends of the Hidden Temple. It just never seemed like any of the kids on the show were trying. I mean, they were walking from obstacle to obstacle. WALKING. As if it wasn’t a COMPETITION. Actually, now that I think about it, it might be healthy for me not to rewatch this series…but I’m still suggesting it, just because I feel like it might be a good way to get out some aggression after a long day.

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4) Say Anything…

I looked it up, and apparently this was on Netflix and taken off in November of 2014, but I think it should come back. Sure, I’m a little biased because it’s my favorite movie of all time and includes one of the most iconic scenes—John Cusack holding a boombox over his head—in cinematic history and I want everyone to watch it so we can all sit around talking about it for hours, but this isn’t just for me. It’s for everyone.

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5) Rescue 911

This show went off the air when I was 6, but I still remember it vividly. Each episode showcased real life 911 calls. The corresponding situations were simulated to demonstrate when/why the calls were made and sometimes actual tape from the call was played to give you the full experience. I loved this show because it was essentially all about people helping people and in every episode the paramedics would come to the rescue. In another life, I might have taken my passion for this show and turned it into a career, but instead I’m just writing about it while I sit on the couch eating macaroni and cheese…

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I’m sure there are a lot more—too many more—that I’d also like to request, but I can’t think of them off the top of my head. However, now that I know I have the power to request, I’ll make sure to start writing them down the minute I can’t find them and the disappointment sets in and I click play on The Fundamentals of Caring again. Consider me a soon-to-be frequent requester, Netflix. I look forward to our time together.

Why My Roommate Should be the Next Host of Jeopardy

Greetings people of the Internet, I’m here to discuss something incredibly important.

It has recently been brought to my attention that Alex Trebek is on his (be it, long and slow) way out from the Jeopardy hosting position. Word on the street is that he will abdicate his all knowing thrown in the year 2020. And while I’m sure there are ideas in circulation and contracts in negotiation, none could possibly measure up to this forthcoming submission: my roommate, Rachel.

How? You might ask. How could I possibly know she could cut it, especially in comparison to other candidates, the caliber of which I am yet to know?

To put it simply, and to emulate the words of so many bended knee proposal speeches, regretful gut feelings, and completed newlywed house hunts, sometimes you just know. And in this case, I just know.

Having watched hours of Jeopardy with Rachel by my side, I can first and foremost verify her genuine interest in the show. She enjoys the creatively phrased questions and would undoubtedly deliver them in that familiar, engaged and excited, while completely controlled manner.

She would challenge the contestants, willing them to dig deep into their studies as she delivered riddles and word problems with a confidence that dared them to answer no matter the cost.

On a Daily Double, when the competition teetered between nail biting and cake taking, she’d encourage risk. Listing the facts of the contestant’s fate, while simultaneously (and inconspicuously) teasing them to tempt it.

Are you worried about the key pronunciation of a book, movie, television show or other pop culture reference? Well, worry no more. Rachel is well versed in many genres, giving her a solid foundation of valuable knowledge, the likes of which she could utilize both as quizmaster and friendly interviewer.

Rachel is witty, clever and unique, sure to make contestants and audiences alike laugh, think, and double-take, all while creating an encouraging and welcoming environment capable of fostering healthy and compelling competition.

Not to mention, she’s got an incredible sense of style. The kind that would inspire conversations not only regarding her presence and professionalism, but her cute ass shoes as well. She would become a strong and powerful female figure in the media—that can rock a warm pallet like no other; a go-to, “I love it!” Halloween costume; an obvious choice for an elementary worksheet “who do you want to be when you grow up” fill in.

So, ABC, while I imagine the search for this replacement (understandably) seems like an impossible task, I hope you’ll now realize that it’s not. Because when it comes down to it, there’s only one right choice, and she’s currently sitting next to me eating pulled pork.