advice

We All Grow in Different Light

A little over a year ago I walked into a local hardware store. I don’t remember what I was there for, all I know is that on my way to find it I fell in love with a fiddle leaf fig tree that was on sale for $20. I picked it up, carried it with me to whichever aisle held my required item, and then I went to the checkout counter.

Once home, I quickly named my plant “Figgy Azalea” and she’s been with me ever since.

When I first moved into my new apartment, I stuck Figgy on the floor below my kitchen window. It seemed like an obvious spot that got great light. I also thought it would be easy to track her growth based on her relation to the light switch.

For the first few months, she sat proudly under that window. She stayed green and healthy but didn’t really grow. Then, at the beginning of December, I moved her to a different spot in the living room to make space for my little Christmas tree. I stuck her next to my couch, in indirect light, and wrapped tensile around the base of her pot for decoration. A few days later, a baby leaf sprouted on her stem. Within a week it blossomed into a full blown, bright green leaf. I was so excited! I took pictures like a mother on her child’s first day of school, fighting back tears as she says, “you’re getting so big” under her breath.

After the holidays, I was prompt to take down my Christmas decorations. I still lingered on a few Christmas movies, but I wanted to ring in the new year with a fresh, clean apartment. So I took down the tree, packed up the decorations, and moved Figgy back to her spot under the window.

Within a week or two, she started to lean, reaching for (or away from?) the sunlight. Again, she stayed green and healthy, but it was almost as if she was pointing to the corner where she once sat. She was a kid tapping at their parents’ side as they chatted to a friend at the bank, “I don’t like it here, can we go home now?”

Then one of her leaves fell off.

I moved her back to the spot next to the couch, and again, within a week, a baby leaf sprouted.

Figgy knows what kind of light she likes to grow in, and she isn’t afraid to ask.

Direct sunlight—the spotlight—is not for all of us. Some of us like to be a bit more in the background.

There is a quote from the book Quiet by Susan Cain that says, “The secret to life is to put yourself in the right lighting. For some, it’s a Broadway spotlight; for others, a lamplit desk.”

It’s not always easy to ask for the lighting we want. It’s not always easy to pursue the lighting we feel most comfortable in—especially if those around us don’t agree. But we each know where we feel we have the best opportunity to grow. And it’s in our best interest to find it. Or to ask for it.

Take it from Figgy, find your light and let yourself grow.

January & February Favorites

Hello and welcome back to another edition of Favorites, where everything is straight forward and I tell you—you guessed it—about some of my favorites from the last two months.

Let’s get right into it.

Podcasts

I melt for Norah Jones’ voice. It has long been able to put me in a peaceful place and make me feel like things are going to be okay—even if the song she’s singing happens to be sad. So when I heard she had a podcast—Playing Along with Norah Jones—where she interviews and plays music with guests, I was IN. It is such an easy and relaxing listen. I’ll put it in on when I’m on my way to work, or making dinner, or, my favorite, when I’m sitting at the kitchen table doing a puzzle.

I found the Bad on Paper podcast on a best of 2022 list and I am so happy I did! It is a podcast mainly centered around books, but it also touches on a little bit of everything. I especially like the book club episodes that come out at the end of the month.

And finally, Podcrushed, which is a podcast centered around life—mainly middle school life—hosted by Penn Badgley, Nava Kavelin, and Sophie Ansari. Each episode features a guest that talks a little bit about their middle school experience, as well as what they’ve learned since. It’s a relatable and cozy listen that makes the trials of middle school feel a little less scary to think about.

Books

The Villa by Rachel Hawkins was the Bad on Paper book club pick for January, so I was excited to jump in and participate. It follows two timelines, one in the present day, and one in the 70’s. In the present day, two best friends go on vacation to an Italian villa that is famous for a murder that took place in the 70s. It was a gripping read and the ending left me sitting there, thinking about it, for hours.

I heard a lot of hype about Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton so I went in with high expectations…and it met all of them. It’s a memoir about the trials of love (both romantic and platonic), and Dolly does such a great job at capturing the feelings down to the bone. This book made me feel especially seen and so I’m very grateful I read it.

It had been a while since I read a book that I loved but also hated because I was in such a hurry to know every single thing that happened but also didn’t want the book to be over, so I was excited to find Every Summer After by Carley Fortune. It follows Persephone and her best friend Sam as they grow up together during their summers spent in a beach town. I listened to the audiobook, and while I started at a slow, leisurely pace. I quickly began to work my schedule around finding time to listen to this book because I just wanted to know what happened. So I suppose you could call this a recommendation and a slight warning.

Movies

Going to come clean with you, I watched The In Between solely because I have a crush on Kyle Allen. They stuck him on the poster, so that was enough for me. I also like Joey King, who stars opposite him in this good but also kind of heartbreaking movie about a couple who is separated by death but finds their way back to each other in the “in between.” It’s a sweet story with a supernatural element that makes you wonder. (find it on Amazon Prime)

As I was writing that last paragraph, I laughed out loud because I realized that this next movie, Rosaline, also features Kyle Allen. I love watching movies that have actors in common. I call it, “theme-ing.” So this is both funny and on par for me. Rosaline tells the “untold story” of Romeo’s girlfriend before Juliet. It’s funny and original and made me laugh out loud. (find it on Hulu)

Unrelated to both of those movies (and, unfortunately, breaking the theme) is The Banshees of Inisherin. I have been trying to watch all of the movies nominated for Best Picture at the Oscar’s, and this one was on the list. It is a little bit hard to explain, which is funny because it is a very simply premise. In short, two friends end their friendship. It is a slow moving, beautifully shot movie that I loved. It is strange and funny and sad.

TV Shows

Shortly after I finished reading Everything I Know About Love (which I’ll admit I was a bit behind the times on) I found out they’d made it into a show that is streaming on Peacock. Needless to say, it took priority over everything else I was watching and I absolutely loved it. It is a relatable, cozy show that again made me feel very seen and understood. I caught myself nodding along to each episode. (find it on Peacock)

Special Forces: The Toughest Test is the wildcard pick of this favorites post. These last few months I have been in the mood for peaceful, calming, love stories and this show is the complete opposite. It puts a group of celebrities in the middle of the desert to try and endure special forces training. They are given a taste of what our military personnel is put through in order to fight for our country. It is extremely humbling to watch. I sit on the couch cheering all of them on, almost always on the verge of tears, knowing full well I could not do what they’re doing, and feeling incredibly grateful that people do in order to let me live this great life. (find it on Hulu)

I have long been curious about The Mindy Project but had only ever seen half of an episode, on mute, while running on the treadmill at the gym. I love Mindy Kaling so I was pretty sure I’d love this show and I was 100% correct. I think it’s rare to find a show that makes you laugh out loud but this one gets me almost every episode. I am almost sad to be loving it so much because I am blowing through it. But I suppose that’s the great thing about streaming—when I’m finished I’ll just start again. (find it on Netflix)

Music

The People’s Champ by Quinn XCII

Everything to Everyone – EP by Renee Rapp

Rolling Up the Welcome Mat by Kelsea Ballerini

Sundae Conversation

Caleb Pressley and his interview series Sundae Conversation used to pop up all the time on my For You page on TikTok. They are short, witty, dead pan interviews that often make the celebrity guests crack up laughing. I have loved going through the backlog of interviews and am forever impressed by Caleb’s ability to keep a straight face. This interview with Morgan Wallen is one of my favorites

Have anything you’ve been loving over these last couple months? Let me know!

See my previous favorites post here.

A Lesson In Love from Mr. & Mrs. Day (Repost)

I recently came across this story, and thought it was the perfect time to repost. I wrote it in October of 2015, but I still think about it often. It’s a real life love story, one we could all learn something from.

Sending you all lots of love this week!

—

My Grammie lived with my family for a few years before she was transferred to a nursing home. The adjustment was hard for her, especially due to the new presence of a roommate, but she understood the necessity, as her health had begun to rapidly decline.

Her room was set up with two beds arranged parallel to one another, divided by a curtain. Her roommate was by the door, and my Grammie was by the window, which she liked, because the sun shone in and warmed her cold skin during the day. One afternoon, as my mom walked down the hall, she saw a man in the doorway, sitting in a chair beside the roommate’s bed.

“Hello,” she said warmly as she approached him.

The man immediately jumped up from his seat to greet her, extending his hand kindly.

“Hello ma’am,” he said, “my name is Mr. Day and this is my wife.” He gestured to my Grammie’s roommate. “I just want you to know that I will be looking out for your mom, Miss. Patricia, here. I will make sure she is taken care of and is as comfortable as possible.”

A few days later, when I made my first visit to the nursing home, I took a seat next to my Grammie’s television and watched the sunbeams shine in through the window and across her freckled arms. She said she felt pretty good that day, that her breathing was better and she had an appetite again. My mom asked about her physical therapy, and my sister talked about the talent show our brother was in over the weekend. As they talked, I glanced down at the dresser next to the television, noticing a few cards and a teddy bear holding a puffy, red, “get well soon” heart in its arms. Being nosy, I flipped open the tag attached to its ear and read the kind handwritten note addressed to a name I didn’t recognize. I then inched each of the cards ajar and noticed they too shared the same recipient, though according to the dates inside, some were given four or five years ago.

On my next visit, as my mom and I were en-route to the window side bed, she saw the familiar figure sitting in the chair by the doorway. When we reached him, Mr. Day again jumped up with haste to greet us. It was my first time meeting him, and as he shook my hand he said, “You know you look exactly like your mother.”

That day, as my mom and I visited, I watched Mr. Day out of the corner of my eye. He sat, very content, next to his wife’s bed, watching football and holding her hand. My mom had told me his story on the drive over.

Nine years. Nine years he’d been doing this. Almost an entire decade. Mrs. Day had a stroke in her mid-50s, and was later diagnosed with both Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s disease. For nine years he had come to visit her, knowing she would lay there asleep, being fed through a tube. There were so many things he could be doing, so many places he could be seeing, yet there he was beside her, as he’d always been.

What a love they must have had, I thought; though it was clear that to him it did not live in the past. This woman, even while held in the clutches of tubes and wires, was still the woman he married, the woman who held his heart.

I thought of what my Grammie had told my mom the day before.

“Her feet kick,” she’d said.

“What do you mean?” my mom asked.

“When he talks to her. She kicks her feet when she hears his voice.”

Oh what a love they still have, I thought.

He, who has every reason to feel trapped or angry or resentful, looks at her like his own perfect Sleeping Beauty, and she, who has every reason to let go, holds on to hear that voice she knows so well. For even in the worse, they still find a way to keep the vow from the better.

I Am Not a Purple Unicorn

The other day I was listening to the Workin’ On it podcast with Meghan & Ryan Trainor, and their guest, Zach Pincince. At one point in the conversation, Zach said something that stuck out to me. It was a little nugget that made a piece snap together in my mind.

I’m going to expand on the idea that Zach gave.

Picture this:

You are at a party with some friends. It’s nothing crazy. You are moving from conversation to conversation, catching up with people you know, and introducing yourself to a few people you don’t. You are relaxed and having a good time. Then, during one conversation, someone tells you:

“You know you’re a purple unicorn, right?”

You scrunch your eyebrows together, confused. This is a ridiculous question. Obviously, you are not a purple unicorn. You know this to be a fact. So you shake your head, trying not to laugh, and you let the person continue on their merry way.

In the aftermath, you probably tell this story to anyone and everyone who will listen, whenever it pops into your mind, but it probably doesn’t make you question who or what you are. You don’t drive home that day (or any day after) thinking, what if I AM a purple unicorn? You likely just shake your head with a smile and think, that was such a weird thing to say.

Now let’s imagine a different scenario.

You are at that party with your friends. Moving from conversation to conversation. It is a run of the mill social gathering. But then, during one conversation, someone tells you:

“You know you don’t deserve any of the things you have, right? You know you’re not good enough? That you never will be?”

Do you still scrunch your eyebrows together in confusion? Do you laugh it off as something outrageous? Or do you blink your eyes a few times, letting the words wash over you?

On your drive home, are you still thinking about it? Are you letting those words repeat over and over in your head, each time letting yourself believe them a little bit more? Are you rationalizing it? They wouldn’t have said that if it wasn’t at least a little bit true, right?

For me, I would live out these scenarios exactly like this. I would laugh off the comment of being a purple unicorn, and I would let the comment that I’m not enough slice me into a million pieces.

Why?

Because the latter is something I’m afraid of being true. It is something that, at least a small part of me, believes to be true already.

Paolo Coelho said, “You are what you believe yourself to be.”

Which means that if I believe that I’m not enough, then, to me, I am never going to be. If that person walks up to me at that party, I’m going to hear their words as the truth—as proof that I’ve been right all along.

But, if I work to believe that I am enough—even though passing thoughts might say otherwise—if I fight to believe THAT as the truth, then it is, and that person might as well be calling me a purple unicorn.

In theory, both scenarios should end with you shaking your head, laughing in disbelief that this person would say something so ridiculous. Because both scenarios should trigger the same reaction, the same red flag, the same scrunched eyebrows.

Instead of waiting for someone to tell me I’m not enough, I want to learn and ultimately believe all the reasons why I am. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet, knowing what’s true and what isn’t, and I want to have the courage and confidence to defend that truth.

I want you to have that too.

So remember, you are not a purple unicorn (unless you want to be).

Let that weird, obvious fact be the thing that actually reminds you who you are—enough, worthy, able, etc.

Let it be the strangest, cutest battle cry against the insecurities beneath the surface, and the enemies that might be waiting around the corner.

I am not a purple unicorn, and neither are you, but we are so many good things, so many great things, so many things to be proud of.

Take Yourself on a Laundry Walk

So there you are. You just got home from work after a long day, the sun is still setting early so you only have a couple of hours before it’s pitch black outside, and all you want to do is sit down. To zone out. To decompress as you prepare yourself to do it all over again tomorrow.

Maybe you have kids to pick up from school, dinner to start getting ready, chores that need to get done. Weeknights move fast, and it often seems like there is never enough time to do the things you have to do while also finding those moments to relax. And on top of that, finding the motivation to exercise can be daunting if not outright impossible.

I know I sometimes struggle to find motivation to do anything after I get home from work. I want to become my couch. I want to curl up under a blanket and watch movies until it’s time to go to bed. I want to eat gummy worms and play Spider Solitaire on my phone. I want the world to understand how TIRED I am and to tell myself how much I deserve to keep sitting down, keep scrolling social media, and keep putting off all the things I tell myself I’m going to do tomorrow.

But I also know that exercise makes me feel better. It gives me a solid foundation to deal with everything else. When I exercise regularly, I am calmer, I am more confident, I am more creative. I am probably kinder and more patient. I am more content with my life and my circumstances. I am happier.

Now, I don’t know your schedule, I don’t know the obstacles (both physical and emotional) that you face when trying to make time for exercise, so I’m not writing this post to say, YOU MUST _____ or YOU SHOULD ______ or WHY HAVEN’T YOU _____.

We are also in the latter half of January, the place where many New Year’s resolutions go to die, so you might already be feeling that pressure, guilt or even shame about what you are doing versus what you thought you would be doing, or what you still think you should be doing. So I’m not here to add to that. I’m just here to tell you about one thing that has helped me. One thing that gets me outside for at least 30 minutes.

I call them laundry walks.

I live in an apartment building and we have two washers and two driers that are available for everyone to use. As a courtesy to others, you are expected to move your clothes along as promptly as possible. So, when I find myself with a full laundry hamper and two empty washers, I know it’s time for a laundry walk. I pull on some leggings and my walking shoes, I carry my laundry down the stairs to the laundry room, I press start on the washer, and GO.

I set a timer on my watch and I walk for the entirety of the wash cycle. Sometimes, when I have a little more time and I’m not racing both the clock and the sun, I’ll head out after I start the drier. This is time I might have otherwise just sat on the couch and looked at my phone, or time argued over what exercise I could do while never making a decision.

Laundry walks let you know when you need to be back. They hang up that finish line ribbon for you to cross. They give you a reason to get outside for 30 minutes.

Now, you probably don’t have laundry to do every day so other versions of this walk can include:

-A poultry prance: which is when you set your walk timer for the time it will take for your chicken breasts to bake.

-A takeout trek: which is when you set your walk timer for the delivery window of your Grub Hub order.

-A sunset stride: which is when you set your walk timer for the exact time of sunset in your area.

-A shower saunter: which is when there is more than one person in your house that has to take a shower before dinner, so you offer to take a walk while they shower first.

And of course,

-A dishwasher wander: which is when you start the dishwasher (which in my case is VERY LOUD) and you set your walk timer for the duration of the wash cycle, so you don’t have to feel like you’re inside the dishwasher as it runs.

Perhaps you want to run instead of walk? Great.

Do yoga? Stretch? Dance? Amazing.

Any and all can make you feel like a multitasker and a productivity icon, and they are also sneaky providers of endorphins you might have otherwise missed out on. You don’t have to go far or fast, you just have to get moving. And before you know it, your clothes are washed, your chicken is baked, and you are ready to relax.

What Are You Holding Too Much Of?

Over the weekend my mom, sister and I got massages. It has become our annual January tradition: a girls’ spa day. While sitting in the jacuzzi, I remembered I had an appointment with my chiropractor scheduled for the following day.

“What a great week for my body!” I remarked.

Come Monday afternoon, I thought, I would be the most relaxed person in the world.

After my massage, I felt relaxed. The masseuse had done a great job. I half expected to get to the chiropractor and have her say, “you are the picture of health. Your joints should win awards.”

But instead, when she put her hands on my back she said, “You’re tense. Like, very tense.”

“Oh,” I responded.

I was truly surprised, speechless even.

“Yeah,” she replied, “you’re holding way more tension than you think.”

I opened my mouth and then closed it, letting this sentence sink in.

She, like my masseuse, dug into my neck and shoulders, finding knots that made me gasp in pain as she worked them out. She got deep cracks out of my back and my neck, and I stood up feeling sore.

You’re holding way more tension than you think.

On my drive home, I sat on the freeway, in torrential rain—especially for Southern California—replaying these words over and over.

I didn’t feel like I was particularly stressed. I’d had such a good day with my mom and sister. Not to mention a week off of work between the holidays. If I was holding tension, where was it coming from? And why was I holding it? And where?

The more I thought about it, the more the word “tension” became other things, like anxiety, stress, fear, impatience, anger, doubt, disappointment, pride, bitterness, frustration, pain.

You are holding more fear than you think.

You are holding more pride than you think.

It became less of an explanation as to why my neck and shoulders were tight, and more of a call to action—a reminder to check in with myself.

We all have busy schedules once in a while (sometimes more often than not) and it can result in us skipping over big emotions or feelings taking place underneath the surface. What feel like passing thoughts, worries, or memories, might be huge sources of stress, anxiety and tension.

My mind has been full lately, not just with what is going on in the present, but what is happening in the future—immediate and far—and what has happened in the past. My dreams have been vivid and strange, and my body has been tired.

I’ve been doing a lot of yoga—a lot of deep breathing and slow, meaningful movements—which can be relaxing, but can also stir up what is underneath the surface. The same goes for a new year. It can be a reminder of hard things, a pressure to start new things, and a marker of things lost or perhaps never (or not yet) gained.

We each might be holding more than we think.

We might be hiding that tension (bitterness, fear, anger, doubt, disappointment, pride, impatience) away, not even knowing that it’s there.

What’s strange about the body, is that it can often figure out how to manage that tension—how to hold it—without sounding an alarm. It can shuffle things around, using muscles in ways they shouldn’t be used, filing emotions in places they shouldn’t be filed, in order to make everything feel “normal”. Our body knows how to throw things into a closet and, with just the right force, close that door, so that no one (including us) can tell that it’s too full of everything that doesn’t belong there.

So today, I want you to think about what you might be holding.

And what you might be holding too much of.

Your body is ready to release that tension.

You are ready to release that tension.

What can you stand to let go?

What’s the first thing you can pull out of that closet?

How I Choose My “Word” for the Year

Earlier this week I shared my reflection on my word for 2022: believe.

As we move into 2023, as we get back into our routines (or perhaps start new ones), we are all given the opportunity to find a new word—or perhaps our first word. To find the word we can cling to over the next 360ish days. The word that holds special meaning for this particular year.

But how do we choose it? How do we know which word is *our* word?

For me personally, I don’t choose it. I’ve always felt as though the word has been given to me.

Usually, at the end of the year I will start asking the question, what is my word?

I will write that question down. I will pray on it. I will think about it constantly.

What is my word? Show me my word. Make it stand out.

I have never been someone who hears the word given to me. Throughout my life of faith, I’ve never had that moment of physically hearing God’s voice. I like to think it’s because He knows I’d probably be spooked. I’d probably jump and think someone was behind me. I’d probably lean into all of the true crime podcasts I’ve listened to and think his voice was actually that of a serial killer hiding in my closet.

So at this point, I’m cool with the silence. I’m cool with the inaudible nudges. They work for me.

This year, I again wrote out the question: What is my word? Will you show it to me? Will you make it stand out?

A few days later, I got the weekly bulletin from my church in my email. At the top, there was a Bible verse.

As you can see, the word “peace” is bolded and italicized.

It stands out.

When I read the verse, I felt my stomach flip over. It was that feeling of “this might be it!!”

But I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. I wanted to be sure.

If that is my word, I prayed, really drive it home.

Earlier in the day, I’d posted a video on Instagram, and searched around for a song to go in the background. When I reopened the app, my search results were still in my history. One of the songs I searched for? Peace by Taylor Swift.

That night, I went over to my parents’ house. We had dinner with my aunt, uncle and grandpa. At one point, I walked down the hall to use the bathroom. There was a candle burning and I loved the way it smelled, so I bent down to see the name of it.

Peace.

At church that weekend, a woman came up and wished me a happy new year. I wished her the same.

“Aren’t we lucky,” she said, “that we have a God that can give us such peace?”

Goosebumps ran down my arms.

Clearly, I’d found my word.

Now, it’s in my nature to fear every single word I get. In these first weeks, I’m always trying to figure out why this is my word. And I tend to catastrophize.

PEACE? WHY DO I NEED PEACE? AM I NOT PEACEFUL? I AM THE DEFINITION OF PEACE.

WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN THAT REQUIRES ME TO NEED PEACE?

WHY IS THIS THE SCARIEST WORD OF ALL TIME?

I like to think I give God a good laugh every year.

I am determinedly doubtful and afraid. Consistently curious—are you sure? Or stubborn—does it HAVE to be that word?

But I have seen time and time again that my word is the right word. It is the word I need most. It is the word that will guide me through the trials and tribulations of the year to come.

And this year, it would appear that my word is peace.

Merriam Webster defines peace as:

– a state of tranquility or quiet

– freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions

– harmony in personal relations

Which, honestly, sounds wonderful.

So even though I am the slightest bit afraid and suspicious of this word (as always), I am trying to center myself in it right from the jump.

Peace is a lovely word. Peace is a lovely thing.

If peace is what 2023 has in store for me, I consider myself to be very lucky.

Bring on the peace. I want it! I need it! I love it!

Are you hoping for a word this year?

Or do you perhaps have one already?

I’d love to hear!

The Year of “Believe”

Typically, I can remember when I was given my word for the year. I can remember that moment of that’s it! So I keep that memory close, and then at the end of the year, knowing all that I didn’t know before, I like to reflect on it. I like to think back to when I wondered why is this my word? And why can’t it be Hawaii? Or jackpot?

This year however, I have only remembered one thing on repeat.

It was in January, and my sister and I were sitting at our kitchen table. She shared her word with me and I shared mine.

“Believe,” I said.

But instead of just leaving it there, I followed it up with THIS:

“It’s kind of a beginner word.”

This has absolutely haunted me ever since.

Especially because, shortly after telling her this, and thus starting my “year of believe”, my “year of a very beginner word” our apartment flooded. And that kicked off a series of chaotic events that left me hanging on for dear life.

I’d initially viewed “believe” as just a word that meant I believe in God.

It was a beginner word because—I thought—it was a basic concept. It was a yes or no question. Do you believe? Yes. Okay, I guess I’ll see you in 2023 for a new word.

But as I began to walk into this year, into the real heart of it, I realized that do you believe? is not a one-time question. And it’s not a choice you make once. It is not the same as asking someone, do you like mushrooms? Believing is an ongoing question, an ongoing experience, an ongoing answer.

And to say, yes, I believe is not a catch all answer of faith.

It is used many different ways, and thus is can mean many different things.

In the song “I’m Not Alone” by Riley Clemmons, she says, “help me believe what is true,” and in her song “For the Good” she says, “I know you’re working; I believe!”

Already this is two different versions of the word believe. Help me believe what is true asks for help in casting out the lies we are hit with every single day. The lies that say, “you are not enough” “you are unlovable” “you don’t deserve good things.” And on dark days, when we are especially vulnerable to those lies, it takes a lot of courage not to believe them.

I know you’re working; I believe is a proclamation that you believe God is working behind the scenes. That even when you can’t see the plans He has for you, you believe they are good. Even when it feels like you are stuck or lonely or abandoned, He is working. It means that you believe you are living a purposeful life, even when you don’t know what that purpose is yet.

In “Famous For” by Tauren Wells, he says, “there is no fear ‘cause I believe”

In times of chaos, grief, or unknown, it is very common to feel scared. Heck, I feel scared in good times, too. I always like to know what’s happening or what’s about to happen. I like to feel like I’m in control, or like I can escape—like I can change the ending if it’s not going to turn out like I wanted. But to say, “I have no fear, because I believe” means that even if the ending is nothing like you expected—even if the middle or beginning is nothing like you expected—even if you have no idea where you are or where you’re going or what you’re doing, you know God is in control. That there’s no reason to be afraid.

There are so many elements of “believing.”

And the more I found, the more I realized that it is THE FARTHEST thing from a “beginner” word.

Because I realized that no, I don’t believe all these things. Not all the time. Sometimes I believe in the opinions of the world over the opinions of God. Sometimes I believe my life is off track or “wrong” or unsuccessful, rather than believing in the plans and pace God has given me. Sometimes I believe that God has left me behind, that I need to give into the fear, that I need to “take the wheel” rather than trust He has it under control.

Over the course of this year, there were many moments I wanted to stomp my foot and say, “this isn’t it! This isn’t what I wanted. This is, perhaps, what I feared most. Why? WHY?”

And through every trial, through every season of doubt, panic, and smog, I just kept hearing that word: believe.

Believe that this is all part of a plan.

Believe that you are in good hands.

Believe even though you can’t see, understand, or predict what’s going to happen next.

Believe.

This word, this lesson I learned, will serve me well going forward. For I have not been give assurance that I will never struggle or doubt or feel like my world is spinning out of control. I have not been given the secret to never being afraid or to get whatever I want. But I have been given a word that reminds me what to do when I do feel afraid, when I am doubtful, when I feel like everything is upside down.

I can choose to believe. I can make that choice over and over.

You can check out my previous words here: Give – Patience – Surrender – Shine – Faith – Start

3 People to Look For in the New Year (List-cember #9)

When I am out doing errands, or making a delivery for work, or on a walk around my neighborhood, or just out doing whatever, I see all kinds of people. We all do.

When we go out into the world, we put our lives on a collision course with so many other lives. Sometimes I even get a little overwhelmed at just how many other lives are being lived alongside mine—some I’ll never know a single thing about.

It is easy to pass by people and never know a thing about them. It is also easy to figuratively walk by the people actually in our lives, to hold them at a distance and keep everything on the surface. It is easy to get wrapped up inside ourselves, in our fears and stresses, in our schedules and chaos. It is easy to focus our attention on the things we’re “told” to pay attention to. To follow the trends, to stay in “the loop”, to join the traffic.

There are so many people in this world, so many lives trying to be lived, and none of them are easy. But the one thing we all have in common is that we’re all trying our best, on our first try, and we’re making do with what we’ve been given.

We are each other’s best allies, and each other’s worst enemies.

So, in this new year, let’s look out for each other. And even more, let’s look for each other. Let’s notice one another.

In this new year, let’s look for these three people:

1) People who need grace

Whether I’m driving and I get cutoff, or I’m walking and someone rushes past me, bumping me in the process, or someone just gives me a little attitude, I have noticed that I’m quick to think, “UMM, EXCUSE ME!” Because yes, we all deserve respect. And when I’m minding my own business and someone appears to be asking the world to treat them like they are the most important person, I want to protest. I want to honk my horn or roll my eyes or say something just as rude back to them. Because yes, some people do believe they are more important than everyone else. Some people DO deserve the eye rolls, the honks and the reality check. But some people might be having the worst day of their lives. Some people might be in a hurry to get to a loved one that’s in trouble. Some people feel like their lives are spinning out of control and they are not even aware that they are treating the people around them inconsiderately. Those people don’t need more piled on their plate. They don’t need guilt, shame, or unkindness shoved in their face. They need grace. They need prayer. They need someone to let it slide and to give them kindness that they might not even deserve in that moment.

2) People who need help

We all live chaotic, busy lives. We all have about 50 things we’re thinking about at a time. We are all tackling different emotions, different losses, different challenges, every single minute of every single day. Some people find it to be too much and they ask for help. But some people are wandering around with a weight on their shoulders they don’t know how to remove. Some people think asking for help is putting that weight on someone else’s shoulders. Some people think they don’t deserve help. So let’s look for those people. Let’s be the light that shines into their darkness. It doesn’t take big gestures or knowing exactly what to say, sometimes it just takes one person noticing. One person looking out for another person. One person extending their hand and saying, let me help.

3) People with good intentions

In our world, there are a lot of things that still need correcting. There are still injustices, discrimination, and outright hatred taking place all around us, and there are people trying to weed those things out to make the world a better place. But there are also people who are determined to bring to light every single mistake every single person makes. There are people waiting in the wings to “cancel” other people. There are people who not only take pride but delight in finding fault in others. No one is perfect. No one will ever be perfect. We are all learning how to do life each and every day. We are all learning to be better people. But tearing down others will never make us better people. Destroying people who have made mistakes, who dared misstep, misspeak or misunderstand will not make us better people. We need to stop looking at people under a microscope, ignoring context, growth, or the basic differences created from different life experiences. We need to stop looking—HOPING—for the bad in people that can be turned into clickbait, and start again looking for the good in people. To bring intention back into the conversation. To notice when something done or said was with actual malice, or whether you, I, we’ve decided to interpret it as such simply because it would generate harsh conversation, clicks, and a reason to be angry. Modern technology has taught us to have a short attention span, a need for continuous gratification, an insatiable impatience—let’s not let that carry over into our relationships. Let’s attempt to understand each other rather than race to ruin each other. Pause and listen, pause and watch, remember that we are all living different lives and we only know the ins and outs of our own. Look for the intention. Let that be the loudest.

Wishing you all a happy and healthy New Year.

May we all look out for each other in 2023.

You can find more List-cember posts here.

17 Goals for 2023 (List-cember #8)

If you’ve been around this blog for a while, you might know that I typically set 17 goals at the end of each year. It is my jumping off point for the year to come.

In the six years (!) that I’ve done it, I’ve set some really good goals. They’ve pushed me out of my comfort zone, inspired me to try new things, and led me places I probably wouldn’t have found otherwise.

This year, while trying to figure out my next 17 goals, I kept coming up with ideas that weren’t necessarily tangible or trackable. They were just things I wanted to improve on. At first, I set them aside, calling them “emotional goals” that I wouldn’t necessarily talk about. But then I decided to put them in the mix, to prioritize them with the rest of my goals.

So I’ve included them in here, and I’m honestly very excited.

Here are my 17 goals for 2023:

1) Learn when to pause

While listening to the podcast, Still Coloring, this year, I noticed how host Toni Collier was able to give her guests space to talk. Sometimes the conversations were difficult and there were points where there wasn’t anything Toni could say, there was just a need for a pause. To let what had been said just sit there. Toni is great at pausing, and I’d like to get better at that. To not feel like I always need to give a response, or to give the “right” response. I want to learn to fearlessly listen to what other people are saying and know when to just pause.

2) Take another UCLA writing class

I thought about saying, “finish my writing certificate”, but I’m honestly not sure if I will have time. I only need to take two more classes, so it’s very possible that I *could* finish, but in the interest of setting attainable goals, I’m going to say one. Anything else will be a bonus.

3) Don’t always apologize

I have a tendency to think that I am always on verge of doing/saying/assuming something wrong. Oftentimes, after I’ve hung out with someone, I’ll go home and replay everything that happened, and have a compulsion to text and apologize.

Sorry I talked so much about myself.

Sorry I was so reserved.

Sorry I wasn’t funny enough.

Sorry I kept circling back to that thing that was bothering me.

Sorry I was quiet.

Sorry for not existing correctly.

I could find an apology for absolutely everything. And while sure, there are times when I do need to apologize, there are also a lot of times when I’m just a person, when I’m not perfect, and when my friends know me and my heart and don’t need or want me to apologize for the small things my anxiety has decided make me a bad/boring/unworthy person.

4) Use my library card

I am an avid fan of the e-library. It is almost exclusively where I get my books. But at times it does require some *patience.* And sometimes, like while I was taking a writing class, I didn’t have time to be patient. So I ordered the required reading on Amazon. It was only after I had a stack of books that I remembered I also have a physical library card, AND I live less than a mile from a library. There’s something so magical about checking books out, so I’m sticking that on the to-do list this year.

5) Ask hard questions

This is sort of like #1 (learning how to pause), but it is also about not being afraid to go deep with people. I wrote this post in November about how I spent a long time being afraid to cry in front of other people because I thought it made me look weak. Recently, I’ve noticed that I get flustered when I’m talking to someone and they start to cry because I’m afraid that they too feel weak, and are in turn angry with me for making them feel that way. To avoid this, I often avoid deep questions. I try to avoid entering that territory all together. But then I have such a craving for deep relationships. So this year, as I continue my own progress in letting my walls down, I want to do better at creating space for people to do the same with me.

6) Take the train

I drove to San Diego a few times this year to visit my best friend and her family. When you time it right, it’s an easy drive, and I like getting those two hours of *me time.* But I’ve also been wanting to take the train. It’s one of the most scenic rides out there, and it gives you the power to take your hands off the wheel and zone out. Plus, when you don’t have to do it a lot, it’s kind of fun to be a commuter. To people watch and to become a part of that overarching question of “what’s her story?”

7) Move slow

This has been a goal of mine for a while that I’ve never fully been able to articulate. Whenever I described it, I felt like I was saying I wanted to move in slow motion. But really what I want to do is find confidence in myself that allows me not to rush through interactions and tasks. I want to take calm, slow steps through the grocery store. I want to listen to what a stranger is saying and then respond, rather than sit on the edge of my seat while they talk, feeling like I have to make a witty comment in response or I’m going to burst into flames. I just want to dial it down a bit. To be more deliberate, more present, more calm.

8) Break in my new hiking shoes

A while back my dad, sister and I hiked Mt. Whitney. In training for that hike, I bought new hiking shoes. I then kept those hiking shoes up until last year. Did I mention that we climbed Mt. Whitney in 2014? And did I mention I somehow never twisted my ankle or rolled down a hill in the no-tread, sorry excuse for hiking boots that they became in the eight years I insisted on wearing them?! It’s a miracle. And it’s an even bigger miracle that I bought a new pair. So this year I’m hoping to get back out there and do a few hikes. These boots need to be broken in, and I need to get back on the trail.

9) Use better self-talk

As a whole, I can easily say that my improvement on this from, say, when I was sixteen years old is INCREDIBLE. However, I think I could still do better. I am quick to criticize myself, quick to assume I’m in the wrong, quick to say I should have done better or that I should look better. And sometimes it isn’t jarring, loud self-hatred, it’s almost imperceptible micro-aggressions. It’s apologizing for my hair being messy, or calling myself lazy or “bad” if I don’t exercise for a few days. It’s calling myself dumb or embarrassing for not knowing something, rather than embracing the opportunity to learn something new. This year, I’m trying to weed out those little things that I put myself down for. To give myself more grace.

10) Staycation

I’ve always wanted to do this but have never really given it a proper go. I just think it would be so fun to rent a hotel for the night or for the weekend—not in a new place, but right where I live. To be able to explore a different part of where I live by placing my home base in a new spot for the weekend. And to be able to get free breakfast and someone to make my bed and bring me fresh towels. Maybe even order room service and spend the entire day in a hotel robe watching movies. I don’t know. The possibilities are endless, and the drive is easy.

11) Assume people like you

This was also on the List-cember post for “Best advice I got this year”, and I liked it so much I’m making it a goal for next year. I really want to embrace this mindset. To go into interactions and situations assuming people do (and should) like me. Not everyone will, and that’s okay. But eliminating the idea that nobody will (or should) like me, will put me in a better headspace to meet new people, and might make those interactions a lot less stressful.

12) Log unplugged hours

I have talked in the past about my struggle with social media and my attempts to try and separate myself from it—or at least lessen my need for it. I always find that I feel better on days when I don’t spend a lot of time on my phone. Earlier this year, I saw Hannah Brencher mention her quest to unplug for 1,000 hours. She made a conscious attempt to put her phone down—put it away as much as possible. If we do the math, 1000 hours is just over 41 days. And when I think about the fact that we are spending DAYS looking at our phones, I get a little sared—and sad. So I’m going to start putting my phone down when I get home from work. I’m going to stop spending as much time getting sucked into social media—I’m looking at YOU Tik Tok. I’m not saying I’m going off the map or deleting all social media, I’m just reminding myself that I don’t have to look at it all the time. I don’t have to open Instagram every time the TV goes to commercial. I don’t have to spend my first hour after work scrolling through my For You page on Tik Tok. I can do other things. There are other things to do.

Hannah’s goal was 1,000 hours, but I’m not going to focus so much on the number. I’m going to keep a log and just see how many I have at the end of the year.

13) Say you’re welcome

I heard this advice on the Best Advice Show and I loved it. I also felt *slightly* called out by it, but sometimes that’s a good thing. While I consider myself to be very well mannered—perhaps compulsively polite at times—I also have a habit of using manners to deflect compliments. Sometimes I even use compliments to deflect compliments.

If someone were to say, “thank you for doing that” I might say, “thank YOU for giving me the opportunity.”

If someone said, “you look nice” I might say, “I was just about to say YOU look beautiful. I love your dress!”

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s spreading positivity, it’s creating an air of appreciation and gratitude. But it is also preventing me from absorbing the appreciation and kindness someone is trying to share with me. It’s preventing me from hearing and thus believing that I am worthy of that compliment, that I am loved, appreciated, etc.

There is nothing wrong with paying people compliments, there is nothing wrong with paying good deeds forward, but I want to better accept kind words. To say you’re welcome when someone says thank you.

14) Compliment strangers

Speaking of compliments. In May of this year, a group of friends and I went wine tasting. While we were standing at the counter, a woman walked up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder. “I have this same dress at home!” she said, “it looks marvelous on you.” I had been feeling self-conscious the whole day, but she changed that. She made me feel beautiful with the smallest of passing compliments. When I like something, I tend to lean into the person I’m with and say, “I like her purse” or “I like her hair” or “I like his shoes,” and then slyly point at someone across the room or in front of us in line. Maybe it’s because I’m introverted, but I tend to keep those compliments like secrets. I want to try and change that. This goal won’t be limited to strangers, but I’m trying to encourage myself to go the extra mile. Compliment people. You never know how much they might need it.

15) Do the Jar Full of Joy Challenge

I saw this idea (created by Ingrid Fetell Lee) on The Art of Noticing newsletter and I loved it. It is a win win.

Win #1) You notice when you are having (or had) a joyful moment during a particular day, and you write it down. This helps you stay present and to notice the happy things happening in your life, both big and small.

Win #2) You put each thing you wrote down into a jar, and then at the end of the year you get to relive all of those happy moments! It is a scrapbook of all the joy you experienced throughout the year.

I bought my jar. I might even go so far as to decorate it!

16) Be in more pictures

I, like my mother before me, do not like having my picture taken. I get too in my head. I have trouble looking at a picture objectively and thinking, “look at this moment we captured,” and instead think, “I look terrible.” Whether it’s my outfit, my body, my face, anything and everything really. I can almost always find something to dislike about myself in a picture. What’s worse, I am constantly bummed I’m not in more pictures—that I don’t have better proof that I visited a cool place, or that I don’t have better documented memories of good and exciting days. I want to do better at this. So I’m setting a goal to be in more pictures. To take more pictures. To ASK to have my picture taken, even if I—GASP—don’t look perfect. (This goal will tie together nicely with #9)

17) Post monthly recaps

This one is kind of funny when you take into account the unplugged hours goal of #12, but this is something that I really like about social media. When a new month starts, I love seeing people post groups of photos and videos that summarize the last month. It’s amazing how we are able to memorialize those experiences, allowing us to remember them a lot longer than we may have otherwise. I also think it might be a good way to reflect on each month, rather than let them slam into each other. I think this will be a great way to force myself to pause and ask, “what did I do this month?” And ideally, if I’m in more pictures (#16) these recaps will be a lot easier for me to pull off 🙂

Wishing you luck with any and all goals and/or resolutions you might be setting for the new year!

May we all find somthing we’re looking for.

You can find more List-cember posts here.