Kimberlee K.

It seems like everything has a subscription these days.

You want to be able to watch that movie? Subscribe.

You want to be able to read that newsletter? Subscribe.

You want to get access to recipes and articles from your favorite online publication? Subscribe.

And aside from major streaming platforms, it seems like everything costs about five dollars.

Just five dollars.

It’s a cute, manageable number that can’t possibly make a dent in your checking account.

It’s a drop in the bucket in this already expensive world that will give you access to behind-the-scenes content or additional podcast episodes or the freedom to watch something without ads.

Just FIVE dollars.

I have those five dollars, but I can’t seem to commit them to something, or to decide to, once and for all, just…keep them.

It’s as if I’ve already accepted them as spent, so I’ve lost touch with the fact that they’re real. They are no longer a form of currency but just differently shaped keys to something that catches my attention on any given month.

But I don’t just want to spend these five dollars on anything. I don’t want them to be wasted. I want them to be respected. I want them to give me something that I really want. That I watch or read consistently, that I tell everyone about. I want them to be used for something that, like all of the media before me, I can rave about and then add, “And it’s only five dollars.”

But those five dollars remain in flux. They hop from one thing to the next and, like sugar in water, the very moment I spend them on something, my interest in that thing dissolves.

I don’t watch the behind-the-scenes content, I don’t listen to the extra podcast episodes or read the bonus newsletter that comes out on Fridays. I don’t make any of the recipes or do any of the workouts. I just sit around thinking about unsubscribing, thinking that I need to put those five dollars to better use.

Maybe the thrill is just clicking subscribe. Maybe it’s those few moments of feeling like I have exclusive access to something. Maybe it’s just boredom. I don’t know. But I have these five dollars, and I’m just trying to spend them.