Kimberlee K.

I know they say you shouldn’t care what people think about you.

And to be fair, the older I get the more comfortable I become with who I am, and the less I seek to become who I think people want me to be.

BUT.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking so much about strangers. About people who likely think little about me. About inanimate objects that can’t think about me. And at times it’s out of control.

For example, I want the dentist to be proud of me. To see I’m brushing and flossing correctly and think yes, THIS is the ideal patient.

I want the doctor to nod their head and give me a thumbs up, approving of my skin, height, weight, and cholesterol, thinking THIS is the picture of health!!

I want the mailman to be proud of me for never letting my box get too full and the DWP to notice I always pay my bills on time.

I never want to make the cashier wait too long for me to get my card out of my wallet, or for the person behind me in line to feel like I’m not moving forward in a timely enough fashion.

I wonder if people think, wow, she made a really great stop at that stop sign, or, wow, she moved across those lanes so proficiently, or even just, wow, she is a really great driver.

I don’t want my order at the bar to be too basic, or too confusing, or unavailable, and I don’t want my order off the menu to be too picky, too high maintenance or pronounced incorrectly.

I want my landlord to smile every time I turn in my rent, and for the ticket taker to smile when they see that I followed directions to “have your tickets ready!!”

I want my water bottle to be impressed that I emptied it twice throughout the day, and for the ice cream in my freezer to be proud that I finished the old pint before digging into the new one.

I want the TSA agent to notice that I took my shoes off, removed everything in my pockets, and even put my Kindle in a separate bin without them reminding me, and for the gate agent to appreciate the steps I took to board the flight on time.

I want my pantry to acknowledge the effort I put in not to waste any food and for my floor to acknowledge I never let a crumb sit unaddressed.

I want strangers at the gym to be impressed by how strong I am, and for drivers to see me out on a walk and think, good for her.

I want the morning to be proud of me for not sleeping in too late and for the night to be proud I didn’t go to bed too early.

I want books to be proud I finished them and for my Netflix queue to be proud I emptied it.

I want and I hope and I wonder and I worry, and then occasionally I snap out of it and think, why does that matter?!

….and then I forget and start the cycle over again.