new inventions

Does Someone Have A Second to Invent These Things?

When I was younger I thought it would be cool to be an inventor. I pictured myself creating the next big thing the world never knew it needed, becoming a millionaire and living in a mansion with my family and a pet elephant. The only thing that stood in the way of that dream was actually having the idea for the next big thing in the first place.

These days, while I still don’t necessarily have the idea, I like to think I have some pretty good ones, though I’m still nowhere close to having the skills to turn them into anything tangible. That being said, if there are any inventors out there with some extra time, do you mind spending a little on these guys? They would make my life better, which has to mean they would provide a similar benefit to someone else’s.


1) A blinker that indicates U-turns

You know when you’re in the left hand turn lane and the person in front of you is blinking their blinker and you think you’re on the same page and are ready to follow the leader across the intersection, only to have them flip a U and turn your whole world upside down? Okay, maybe not you’re whole world. But it’s definitely a I took a sip of a drink I expected to be soda but it was milk and now my life is a mess type of moments, you know? I just think there should be some kind of secondary blinker that says, “Hey, I’m not doing what you think I’m doing and I just wanted you to know.”


2) To-go/delivery services for breakfast foods

You can get pizza delivered to your door in twenty minutes, you can get McDonald’s delivered to your door at 1 o’clock in the morning, heck, you can even get more wine delivered to your door before an episode of The Bachelor is over. If we’ve come this far, why can’t I order a waffle yet? It’s 2018, people, the world needs a pancake delivery service.


3) Solar powered lane markers

The other day I was driving on the freeway at night and having trouble seeing the lane dividers. It had just stopped raining so the cement was wet, and the brake lights of my neighboring cars were making the reflectors on the lane dividers almost a non-factor. This got me thinking, if someone like me, who has 20/20 vision is having trouble seeing these markers, how would my sister, who requires a special prescription and especially struggles with night driving, have faired? So my thought here is, let’s Disneyland Electric Light Parade those bad boys! Stick some solar panels on the tops of them so they charge all day and glow all night. Not only would they make our freeways more exciting, they’d undoubtedly cut down on late night collisions.


4) Something that can control CAPS LOCK

Have you ever been typing something and accidentally hit the caps lock when you didn’t intend to and then you typed an entire sentence in the wrong format and the only way to correct it was to delete the entire thing and start over? This happens to me more than I’d like to admit and it is endlessly frustrating. I just wish there was a way to highlight and either apply or remove caps lock in one fell swoop.


5) An app that actually calculates the odds when you say, “what are the odds of that?”

Can you imagine having this power? Would it be too much? Would it be useful at all? It’s hard to say. But you can’t deny the fact that it would be fun to be able to pull out your phone while you are walking down the aisle of a grocery store in a city you are only in because you are on vacation, and yet you somehow find yourself running into an old high school acquaintance you never thought you’d have to see again and they say, “it’s so great to see you!” and the only non-controversial thing you can think to say is, “yeah, WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT?” and your phone would say “approximately 1 in 1,000,000,000” and you would feel validated in how utterly ridiculous the whole thing is. You know that, and other, less complicated curiosities.


All I ask in your quest to bring these ideas to life is to give me a shout out. I have no idea how patents work, but if there is a section where you provide influences, inspirations, muses, etc., just leave a link to this blog. I suppose a cut of the profit also might be nice. Just include a check with a doorstep waffle. Thanks in advance!

Dear Innovative Inventors (Idea 1: Red Light Brakes)

Today I’m starting a new series where I try and pitch some amazingly great, totally not crazy ideas, in the hopes that someone somewhere will *light bulb* them into the real thing. So, let’s jump right in. 


Dear Innovative Inventors Looking to Change the World,

I know you’re out there. You’re sitting behind your computer. You’re daydreaming at your desk. You’re dying to create the “next big thing,” but instead you’re stuck on the 9 to 5 circuit, drowning in junk mail and bad ideas. Well, call me Super…something, because my brain has collected a series of ideas that need to be morphed into tangible life changers and there’s no time to waste! Grab a pen, some graph paper, and a banana for sustenance because we are about to revolutionize the planet. (Well, kind of)

1) Red Light Brakes

At one point or another, we’ve all run a red light. Whether it be by accident or on purpose, it happens, that’s just a fact. However that doesn’t make it okay, or safe, or something that should continue. In fact a huge percentage of car accidents happen as a result of this very action. So, I propose to add something to the surface of the street that will prevent anyone—even those of us who are running EXTREMELY late and just have to squeak through—from running a red light.

You know those moving walkways you find at the airport? The ones where half of the passengers are treating it like a second set of legs and the other half are treating it like a star on Mario Kart and are blowing past people like it’s the final lap of Rainbow Road? Well stick those puppies in reverse and add them to the asphalt. It will be like the street’s alter ego that only shows up when it can sense that a car is about to run a red light.

Picture it. The light is a figurative orange (a.k.a the middle point between yellow and red), and an oncoming car pumps the gas pedal. The street will sense this dangerous bout of acceleration and morph X-men Mystique style into a backwards treadmill and stop him right at the line. No horns are honked, no collisions are made.

I’d also recommend wiring the walkways to a speaker, which will activate when a car is in the process of being stopped.  Ideally it would play The Cha Cha Slide so that when the driver floors it, Dj Casper will chime in with, “TAKE IT BACK NOW Y’ALL.”

Also, if we continue on this same thought process, you know those cars that stop WAY over the line, impeding the entire crosswalk, and you have to watch as an elderly gentleman crutches his way into oncoming traffic, just so he can pick up his granddaughter from preschool? Well, I say we add parts of the street that can lift a car into the air, and spin it in a slow moving circle. Then, if we stick with Dj Casper, we can hit the car with a strobe light and have him announce, “Now it’s time to get FUNKY.”  This would, of course, severely humiliate the wrong doer, making him or her far more aware of the limit line, and as an added bonus give the pedestrians a sick beat to walk to.

Until next time, good luck and happy inventing!