Kimberlee K.

I am someone who thrives on a schedule.

I like knowing what to expect, or what’s expected of me, because it lessens the possibility of unknowns and helps me feel prepared for the day, week, etc.

But when I was writing up my goals for 2025, I realized how much time I spend trying to anticipate the expectations of someone else, or abiding by rules that I heard (or thought I heard, or know of someone who possibly could have heard at one time) that I’m worried I might accidentally break.

When I was learning to drive, my dad often used the phrase “the flow of traffic”—which is the middle ground pace of you and your surrounding drivers that often sits somewhere around the speed limit—to help me get the hang of merging and turning and cruising.

And to be honest, I think I’ve spent a good chunk of my life trying to disappear into the flow of traffic, so to speak, assuming it is where I’m supposed to be. I’ve inadvertently collected nearly every rule I’ve heard—directly or indirectly—and tried to abide by it.

I have always called myself a “rule follower,” but this year I thought it was time to uncover how deep that actually went, and how much unnecessary pressure I was putting on myself to correct certain behaviors or follow a singular path.

One thing I’ve realized, especially now that I live on my own, is how often I try to schedule out my days in accordance with what I assume other people think I should be doing. Because for some reason, I’m always nervous that someone is going to call and check in on me.

I always picture them on the other end of the phone, holding a clipboard and a list, the way a teacher or doctor might, and going through each item to ensure I am living “correctly.” That I am doing what I’m “supposed” to do, at the right time, at the right pace, in the right way, and at the right frequency.

It has been a shock to me in my thirties to learn that everyone has their own “right” way. And to discover that in order to find your own “right” way you often have to do things wrong over and over.

I am learning that there is a difference between rules and preferences, and that for a long time I conflated the two. I am finding that “making the rules” can simply be choosing what works or doesn’t work for me, what interests me and what doesn’t, what makes me feel safe and secure and what makes me feel inhibited and nervous.

There are many parts of life where going with the proverbial flow of traffic works for me. But this year has been one of consistent discovery as I learn more and more where I can say no when I used to think I had to say yes, where I can relax when I used to think I had to stay rigid, and where I can set my own rules when I used to think there was only one available.

I will always like following the rules, but I’m learning that there are a lot less than I thought.