Kimberlee K.

Being a creative type, sometimes almost to a fault, I tend to like to make stuff up. Whether that be a new craft, a new snack, or most commonly, a new turn of phrase. I love finding my own way to describe things because it’s often the only way my crazy, weird brain can truly and happily express itself.

Now, I spend a lot of time driving for my job, giving me plenty of time to create such things, and today I’d like to share some of them with you in the hopes of expanding your vocabulary a little bit. To make it a little weirder, a little more stylish. That way, when these terms sweep the nation, you’ll be far ahead of the curve and even farther ahead of the “kids these days”, slinging this slang like you were born to do it.

1) Shoxigen (shawks-i-jenn) n.– the type of air you inhale when surprised.

I get really into books and movies and really any colorfully adjectived story told by anyone and everyone, thus making me a common gasp-er. And for anyone like me—or anyone who has ever gasped before, ever—you’ll know that a gasp is far different than the average breath. The air comes in much faster, sometimes too fast, causing you to choke, making it a gasp/choke combo, delaying the rest of the reaction to whatever it was that surprised you, because you, as well as any other parties involved, are now concerned that you’re dying. That being said, I like to call the air involved in this gasp shoxigen, because it’s essentially a cloud of O2 that you didn’t see coming.

2) Palm Treeson (palm tree-son)* n.

My parents’ house is right around the corner from a popular fast food restaurant and there have been so many times when I’ve seen people park on the street after ordering at the drive-thru, and then throwing their trash out the window as they drive away. It’s appalling! I mean, what is the reasoning here? Are you that disgusted by what you ate that you immediately want to hide the evidence from yourself? Or are you such a neat freak that having trash in your car for single second longer than necessary makes you want to pull your hair out? Either way, I think you need counseling. And discipline. Which is where palm treeson comes in.

*See, palm treeson is a double whammy, it deals with both parties involved in a specific scenario. In the annoyed patron vs. litterer situation, the litterer would have committed palm treeson by littering, thus committing a crime against nature (nature = palm trees = palm treeson, get it?), causing the annoyed patron to commit palm treeson by delivering a swiftly timed, perfectly aimed, fully palmed slap across the litterer’s face…you know…because they committed palm treeson.

3) Exslursize (ex-slur-size) v.– to exercise while drunk.

When I drink I tend to talk more than usual. It’s like alcohol acts as the key to every story I normally—and understandably—would keep to myself, and suddenly I’m sure everyone I’ve ever met wants to know anything and everything I’m thinking. Another immediate result of alcohol, at least for me, is the need to move. I’m already a bit of a squirmer when I have to sit for long periods of time, and when I drink, it gets even worse. Suddenly I want to dance, I want to jump, I want to show you what an article online described to me as “the correct way to forward lunge.” It may not be exactly clear why I want to show you these things, or why I need to pace around the room for a hot second, but you can pretty much bet that if I need to, I will.

4) Carbrrrhater (car-brrr-hate-er) n.– an owner of a car who grows angry when it takes too long to warm up in the winter months.

Being from Southern California, I know I have no right to really say anything about being “cold” in the winter. I’m perfectly aware that I was born a wimp and will forever be a wimp, so please don’t come for me. I know the rest of the United States and a large part of the world go through hell during the winter months and I respect you and all of your suffering. Regardless, every winter I still find myself shiver-cursing at my heater to hurry the hell up and warm my baby hands! Do I do so after scraping ice off my windshield or shoveling my driveway? No, meaning I often do it with far more shame than the average carbrrrhater, which I think makes us at least kind of even.

So there you have it, a look into the confines of my brain. These are the things I’m thinking about when a driver passes me on the freeway and it looks like I’m catatonic. I swear I’m paying attention, I just also happen to be in the middle of creating the next great POS.

Wait, no.

I meant Part of Speech. The next great part of speech.

See, this is what I meant by “creative to a fault.” Not everything needs a cool abbreviation, Kim.