childhood

Getting Over the Big Bump

Up until I was nine years old, my family lived in a blue house, in a neighborhood close to our church. My dad had bought the house with a few of his friends before he met my mom, and so by the time they got married and I came along, we were very much part of the neighborhood. Our next door neighbor, Frank, always had the best Halloween candy set aside for my siblings and I, and our neighbors down the street would smile and wave when they saw us heading out on an afternoon walk—my sister and I on our bikes, and my mom walking (and eventually pushing a stroller with our brother) close behind us.

Fun fact about me: I am not a strong bike rider.

The day I learned to ride a bike (without training wheels) is a notorious one in my family, as it involved hours of me trying and failing to balance on two wheels in the cul de sac in front of my aunt’s house. There were tears, scraped knees, explosive frustration and unwavering determination. Eventually I got there, but I have never considered myself a “confident” bicyclist, even to this day.

Nonetheless, I loved riding my bike on our afternoon walks. I liked pretending I was on a safari and that I could spot wild animals running beside me. Sometimes I liked to pretend that I was being chased or that I was in the last seconds of a race I needed to win. But then, once we took a left turn onto the louder, busier street, I would see it.

Always big, though, once I got my training wheels off, it appeared nearly mountainous, there was bump in the road, mostly likely caused by an earthquake, where two chunks of sidewalk collided and raised. We called it “the big bump.”

Pre cul de sac stick-to-itiveness, I would go over this bump with my training wheels without hesitation or fear, but once I began riding on two wheels, it became an ongoing obstacle. I was suddenly very aware of how it changed the balance of my bike and could ultimately cause me to fall and get hurt. And even though we would do that walk often and I longed to approach the big bump without worry, when we made that turn and I saw it come into focus, my hands would grip tighter on the handles and my visions of being on a safari or in the middle of a race would vanish.

To my credit, I always went over the bump. And to my knowledge, I never fell. There were times when I severely slowed my pace, and there were times when I completely stopped and walked my bike over it, but I always went over it.

These days I rarely ride bikes, and when I do I rarely seek out “big bumps,” but I still find similar obstacles in my day-to-day life. Some I expect, dread even, and some come out of nowhere, but they both give me that same sense of fear I felt as a kid. And while sometimes I can connect to that girl who spent hours trying and failing and willing herself to succeed, other times I find myself looking out at that (now figurative) “big bump” and turning myself around.

I’m still scared. Scared to get hurt, scared to be thrown off balance and lose control. Scared to get stuck, scared to hold people back, and scared to get left behind. I’m scared of the consequences of going over the “big bumps,” which are no longer just scraped knees or a broken bone. Plus, what might look like a big bump to me, might not look so daunting to others and sometimes it’s hard to reconcile that what’s holding you back gave your peers no grief at all. But as scary as the big bumps seem, and no matter how often I might find them in my path, I owe it to myself to keep going over them.

When I was little, each time I made it over the big bump, I felt a swell of pride, and a small burst of confidence that next time I might go over it a little bit easier. And even though I might not be that seven-year-old girl anymore, I still have her grit, I still have her determination, and I still have people behind me willing to help me over whatever bump may enter my path.

So I’m going to keep moving, keep riding, keep walking, keeping making my way over those big bumps, because I know there are good things waiting for me on the other side.

Doors Slammed Open

A couple that I work with have a son that stole the hearts of all of our coworkers pretty much the moment he was born.

The second he learned how to walk, he was popping in and around our desks, making our communal office space his own personal discovery zone. Some days he’d want to sit on your lap, other days he just wanted to check in on what you were doing.  He was always moving, always learning.

Once he started talking, the possibilities became endless. Now he had ways to ask for things with more than just a point of a finger. Life was much more interesting, people much more fun.

“Can I go upstairs with you?”

“Can I go outside with you?”

“Can I go into the other office with you?”

He still had that curiosity and now he had the means of satisfying it. Well, at least when the answer to those questions was “yes.”

“Sure, you can come with me, hold on, let me open the door for you.”

As the months went on with him walking and talking, so grew his sense of independence.

“Can I go outside with you?”

“Sure, let me open the door for you.”

“No! I can do it!”

We understood his desire to do things on his own, to grow up, to be “big”, so we let him open the door on his own, if only slightly leaning against it for some undetectable assistance.

These days he doesn’t even wait for your offer, once he gets the cue of approval, he’s pushing that door open like treasure is waiting behind it.

As he grows up, I’m sure the time will come when he finds himself holding a door open for someone else, as we all do from time to time. And when things get tough, he’ll be that little kid again, hoping someone will be there to open a door for him once more.

It’s a never ending cycle really. Throughout the course of a day, doors will open and close, both literally and figuratively, and we never know which side of which door we’ll find ourselves on. In a perfect world we’d always find that doorknob unlocked or that neighbor holding the door open, but in reality, doors are often locked or hidden or even shut in our face. Some days we’ll find ourselves knocking and knocking, sure we’re at the right place, when the fact is we just need to find a new door on a new day. And sometimes, no matter how many keys we try or tricks we pull, all we need to open a door is to accept and trust the little assistance from that someone saying, “hold on, let me help.”