I get it, saying sorry is tough. Not only do you have to humble yourself and admit you were wrong, but you have to do so in front of other people. It sucks! I for one hate apologizing, because in order to provoke such an admission, I have to be in trouble, and the only thing I hate more than apologizing (besides these things) is being in trouble. As much as it sucks however, saying sorry is a necessary part of life, as we are all the occasional jerk, and sometimes need to verbalize it.
So, if you happen to be reading this blog with a heavy conscience because of something you did and know you need to apologize for but have no idea how, allow me to assist you. First, follow and read this blog, as it can provide a great place for you to escape and avoid making this horrible, awkward apology. Second, copy down the address of this blog, either on a piece of paper or in a note on your phone. Third, give that address to the person that deserves your “sorry”, and tell them to give it a read, as it’s hilarious, delightful and VERY INFORMATIVE. Fourth, watch as your “sorry” is transmitted subconsciously through this post in particular and rid yourself of all guilt.
With that being said, here are some apologies you can use this blog to make:
1) I’m sorry I pooped in your bathroom and then shut the door behind me after I flushed. I now realize my assumption that doing so would hide the smell and prevent me from destroying the delightful atmosphere of your home was completely incorrect, as it instead trapped the noxious gas inside your tiny (but well decorated) bathroom, making it a paralyzing booby trap for the next full-bladdered guest.
2) I’m sorry about that thing I said when we met those new people and I wanted them to like me. It was unkind of me to make you the butt of a joke, even if it was hilarious and true and you actually laughed pretty hard and I can’t figure out why you’re still holding it against me, even though you say you’re not but you are and I can tell.
3) I’m sorry I ate the last of your ice cream and that you won’t notice until you’ve had a bad day and need it most. It was delicious, if that helps…
4) I’m sorry I was a jerk to you for no reason. While I still don’t have an explanation as to why I was, and can’t necessarily promise that the mood won’t arise in me again unexpectedly, know that I am sorry because I felt bad about it a few seconds after, but was so determined to stay angry that instead of apologizing I decided to roll my eyes and storm away dramatically.
5) I’m sorry for all the dishes I left in the sink. Yes, they were mine, and I’m sorry for spending an extensive amount of time arguing with you about it, for concocting a conspiracy theory that they were yours, and for making that comment about you being a sociopath. I see now that I took it too far and that I am in fact just lazy.
6) I’m sorry for not telling you that you looked good in the new outfit you bought. The truth is I thought you looked amazing, too amazing, like the kind of amazing that makes me feel bad about what I just bought. Seeing you look that amazing made me feel like I was going to look like a whale in overalls, which, since whales have no legs, you can imagine would look completely ridiculous, but not as ridiculous as I would look standing next to you while you looked completely amazing in that outfit you just bought.
7) I’m sorry for flirting with the guy/girl you like. It was a moment of weakness and I’m a little lonely and oh my gosh please don’t stop being my friend or I will actually have no one.
8) I’m sorry for watching the last episode of Game of Thrones without you. It’s just that you were busy and I didn’t want to be behind everyone on social media and have something spoiled. Plus, it’s not like I spoiled anything for you, and I thought I did a pretty good job at pretending to be surprised when you watched it later.
9) I’m sorry for being a selfish jerk who never appreciates you the way I should. Oh wait, no I’m not, because this is just who I am and I’m not going to change, even though you’re holding out hope that I will. That’s right, this is an apology from that person who you know is never going to apologize for their behavior, and it is your friend who sent you here, trying to help you see that that person is in fact a selfish jerk who never appreciates you the way they should. It’s also an apology for you, from you, for putting up with that person, even though you know you deserve better.
And finally, in case you need to apologize to a complete and total stranger:
10) I’m sorry for bumping into your car while I was trying to park. I know the protocol is to leave my number and my insurance, so while I will do that as well, I just thought it would be nice to leave you the address to this blog because it is hilarious, delightful, and VERY INFORMATIVE.
Now then. If you’re someone that needed to make an apology, consider it made. Or, if you happen to be someone who was recommended this blog by a friend/stranger and have a sensed something familiar in these words, let me just say, from me and the aforementioned friend/stranger, “I’M SO SORRY.”